Mailbag: Can I Pretend To Be You In South Beach To Get Laid?

Dillon Cheverere10 years ago

We’ve seen this one before. In case you don’t remember, a group of spring breakers set out for Cancun and hit the beach wearing fake TFM press passes to increase their chances (from 0% to somewhere in the neighborhood of 99%) of getting laid. The result? They were swarmed by beach babes. They were coming at these guys from all angles–kissing on them, getting handsy with them, posing for photos with them, flashing their spring break tits at them from hotel balconies, and flirtatiously making sandcastles next to them, hoping to get noticed. Babes everywhere. They were out there living the life that I’m no longer able to.

I wasn’t even mad about it. I just sat back and admired the audacity and ingenuity. All these girls had to do was exercise a little common sense to figure out the guys were frauds, but I’m thinking the guys’ sheer confidence made the whole operation a fornicating success. Who even needs press credentials to party on the beach? Were there any restricted areas to speak of? I doubt it. These guys owned it, and for that, I say nice work. Sometimes you need an edge on the competition to pull beach babes, and if that means pretending to be someone you’re not, so be it.

We’ve now got another impersonation attempt. The difference this time around is this guy is actually asking me permission before he makes the fake press badges. Here’s the email I received over the weekend:

Okay, here’s my take on this whole thing: do what you gotta do, but just look out for your boy. That’s all I ask. I don’t mind if you whore my likeness out for your own benefit as long as you keep my reputation at the forefront of your quest. You want to cut in line at the movies? Drop my name. You want a discount at the local rub ‘n’ tug? Drop my name. You want to upgrade to a suite at the hotel without paying for it? Threaten to tweet about the hotel’s shitty customer service to 40,000 assholes.

If you are going to whore me out, though, please keep a few things in mind: 1) don’t be a creep, 2) don’t be an introverted loser, 3) don’t be rapey, 4) don’t drink so much that you can’t maintain composure, and 5) for the love of God, please don’t be a hideous monster who repulses people.

Still waiting for his response.