Mailbag: I’m 20, In School, And My Girlfriend Is Pregnant

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Bringing a child into this world before you’re ready, or anywhere close to it, can be a pretty terrifying scenario and something that has been on everyone’s mind at some point in their young lives. I’m surprised we haven’t covered it yet, actually.

Knocking up your girlfriend as a 20-year-old college student can certainly derail your semester, your remaining time in college, and possibly even your intended career path — also your life because having a kid will ruin it and make you hate yourself and you’ll lose all your friends and you’ll be waist deep in shit-filled diapers and you’ll be working low-wage jobs to make ends meet and you’ll never sleep in again or go out with the boys and you’ll have a shotgun wedding when she’s eight months preggers and her body will go to shit which is sad because she’s so young but you’re stuck with her for the rest of your miserable life and your friends will have awesome lives without you because they didn’t have any kids.

Okay, it’s not that bad. But how bad is it? Well, it depends how you respond. In this week’s Mailbag, we hear from a college student who got his girlfriend pregnant. He doesn’t know how to handle it and seeks my advice. His email is below.

Dear Dorn,

Recently I found out my girlfriend is pregnant, what do I do? We’ve only been dating for 6 months and is this a career ending consequence that’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life we are pro choice but it’s a tough call.

P.S
should i just move out of the country?

I asked him his age and if we was currently in school.

20 and yes I am.

If you’re 20, I assume you’re a third-year. Graduation can’t be too far away. Considering that baby has some cooking to do before it enters this world and you’re responsible for keeping a real life human being alive, you can finish out the school year, mix in a ton of summer classes, then you’ll be able to eke out a diploma with night/weekend classes while taking care of the little shit.

You’re probably also going to need to work. Diapers, baby formula, clothes, tiny little baby sneakers, doctor visits — someone’s got to pay for all of it. Unless you are fortunate enough to have parents who are willing to fund your new life as a student-parent, you’ll need to be bringing home some cheddar. It’s going to be very difficult — don’t get me wrong — but it’s doable.

And when you decided unprotected sex was worth the risk of possibly impregnating your girlfriend, you surrendered the privilege of blaming anyone other than yourself for this little mishap.

I am not about to go into the whole abortion thing, either. Not gonna do it. No way I’m going to be responsible for possibly swaying a decision that heavy.

Condoms. They’re not so bad. Everyone should wear them, all the time. Just do it. Just wear them. Wear a condom. Wear that condom. Wear that condom like the potential result of not wearing it is derailing your current life path to take on the excruciating, lifelong commitment of raising and caring and paying for a human person. Just wear a condom. Wear a condom, guys. Go put a condom on right now. I don’t care if you’re chillin at the crib all alone watching this terrible Browns-Bengals game. Go put a condom on. You never know when you’ll trip and fall into some sex. Just wear a fucking condom. Wear. A. Condom. Wear them.

Condoms.

  1. StarShieldPKP

    For Christ’s sake Dorn. Junior…he is a junior. Don’t fall into this PC/UVA trap.

    10 years ago at 9:53 pm
  2. Douglas MacArthur

    Stay with the girl during the pregnancy because it’s 9 months of no condoms. Then dump the slam because she’d make you hang out with the little geed, and you don’t associate with non-Greeks.

    Every decision has to be viewed through a frat lens, after all. I assume that’s why you asked TFM.

    10 years ago at 9:56 pm
    1. SteveHoltOnDrugs

      The little kid’s a legacy, so it’s probably cool to hang out with him until he becomes a high school frat star. Then you can start hazing the shit out of him.

      10 years ago at 10:26 pm
    2. StarShieldandLamp

      Whoa Douglas you really came out of the woodwork for this comment. But I’d have to agree, fuck that little geed.

      10 years ago at 9:31 am
  3. AriGold9

    Asking a satirical fraternity web site for this kind of advice isn’t your best option. But this is why you use birth control, pull out, and wrap it up. Better safe than sorry, buddy.

    10 years ago at 9:57 pm
  4. Back In My Days

    I wear a condom everywhere. Grocery shopping, in the library, at work, everywhere. Because you know it probably won’t happen, but it might. Most likely not, but just maybe. Always be prepared.

    10 years ago at 10:20 pm
  5. Bluto_Brotarsky

    Supposedly preggo girls are absolute freaks in the sack. That is, when she’s not puking her guts out or trying to strangle you.

    My advice, get ready for the latter two and ignore the first.

    10 years ago at 10:42 pm
  6. Fratasaurus

    Dorn edited the article but it originally said “As soon as the kid is born throw him in the basement with the other kids and prepare for his maturation at 7 years of age. Make sure he knows to put the lotion on the skin. It is best that they are not exposed to sunlight because, TBH, paleness and tenderness are the way to go.”

    10 years ago at 11:09 pm