Mailbag: Possible Future Serial Killer Wants To Write For TFM

Dillon Cheverere12 years ago

Welcome back to the Mailbag, a weekly edition wherein I field questions from you, the sometimes funny, sometimes psychotic members of the TFM community. The next question I will take a shot at answering comes from someone in the latter of the aforementioned groups. In all likelihood, he is leading the pack in the psycho department. The content of his email is quite disturbing, but what I find particularly bone-rattling about it is that he seems to be 100% sincere.

He ultimately wants to know if we’d be interested in featuring his columns on TFM, weekly, and he explains what they’d consist of. It’s in the explanation that makes this weirdo come off serial killer-ish. If we gave out annual awards to the readers of this site, this emailer would win “Most Likely to Wear Someone Else’s Skin.”

Here’s the email:

Hey man,

I’ve had a fake female FaceBook account for a few years now and every now and then I’ll get on and update my status and add friends and stuff. Well after years of working on it and over 900 friends later, and even still having just one photo, my account looks pretty real… real enough for people to believe I’m an actual person.

Recently I joined the ***** ******* class of 20** FB page to leave disparaging comments against liberals and homosexuals, but also to look for a roommate for next school year. Well after a number of people messaged me, I agreed to be one girl’s roommate. I had forgotten about it until a few weeks later this girl’s other roommate messages me to try and get to know me. We’ve been talking for a couple weeks now, and even though I’ve lengthily described that I’m bisexual, an insomniac, bipolar, a scientologist, a Wican who will be casting spells in their living room, a cocaine addict, and repeatedly hit on her, this girl has supported me with everything I’ve said. Our conversations are pretty funny and at sometimes on my end, illiterate and incoherent.

I wasn’t sure if you all would be interested, but I thought it’d make a funny weekly addition to the site.

Shocker of the century here: another one of you tried to bone my eyesight by not including any line breaks. This is getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous. I added a couple for you guys because I’m here for you, but seriously, come on!

To summarize, the emailer completed the following:

– Created a fake Facebook page.
– Cultivated the account for years.
– Obtained over 900 friends.
– Used the account to disparage liberals and gays.
– Used his liberal and gay hating fake persona to search for a real roommate.
– Agreed to room with a girl.
– Maintained contact with said girl for a couple weeks.
– Claimed to be a bisexual, insomniac Scientologist who’s addicted to coke and casts evil spells.

And now he wishes to use this backstory to maintain fake relationships and turn them into a weekly column series for TFM.

I engaged the emailer to obtain more info — a reconnaissance mission to delve further into the mind of this sick sonofabitch — namely, for the link to his fake Facebook profile page. He answered. We’re in. The fake name he chose was Summer. I’m choosing to omit her last name, because I know you pervs are going to want to find her on The Book, and I didn’t want that going on since there is a real picture on the page, of a real person (three of them, actually), and obviously the photo is of some random, completely innocent, completely unknowing young ladies. I must say, though, this guy chose a winner, because Summer is fine as fuuuuuuuck. Red, red hot — a beautiful, well-proportioned brunette with a flawless complexion. The profile photo is shown below, with blurred faces to conceal facial recognition.

It’s easy to see why Summer has over 900 friends, even with only a single photograph on her page (a detail I confirmed). Hell, I might even throw a friend request at her, fake or not.

“Recently I joined the ***** ******* class of 20** FB page to leave disparaging comments against liberals and homosexuals, but also to look for a roommate for next school year.”

^ This is the sentence I found most disturbing. The deal breaker. The one that sent you over the edge from “This dude is pretty goddamn weird,” to “This guy will commit a murder one day, love the feeling, then keep murdering people.” In one fell swoop, you express your disdain for liberals and homosexuals, and then ‘oh, by the way,’ you needed to lock down a roommate for the school year. That’s typically a conversation held at least two weeks into a relationship, not an opening line when trying to convince someone to share a dwelling with you. This is how serial killers think.

The emailer even shared a screenshot of a post he made, revealing a few details of Summer’s witchcraft.

Honestly, Summer is so hot, I’d let her cast a few spells on me as long as she showed me what she was hiding under that Padres tee.

Finally, to answer your question about turning this into a weekly series: no, man. Hell no, man. We’re gonna pass. Please don’t hunt us down and turn our faces into masks.