Let’s Say You Fucked Up And Need To Reinvent Yourself
In this day and age, your mistakes can easily be broadcast to the entire world in the blink of an eye. Everybody has the ability to take pictures and videos at a moment’s notice, and the plethora of social media outlets at their disposal puts you under constant pressure to maintain your image. But what happens when you fail? Say, hypothetically, you got a bit too drunk at a Halloween party and sodomized a Jack-o-lantern? Relax, there’s still hope for you. I’ve provided a few tips to help you disassociate from the person you were at your weakest moment.
Change Your Appearance
Obviously, you were wearing a Halloween costume when you committed the act, so most people probably won’t recognize you in the first place. Still, it’s probably for the best to change at least a few aspects of your appearance so as to avoid the stares of astonishment from people in your community. Get that Peaky Blinders haircut you’ve always wanted. Start wearing joggers in every social setting. Bring frosted tips back. Make yourself look exactly like someone you hate, publicly commit an even more disgusting, unspeakable act while looking like them (get sodomized by a Jack-o-lantern, sorry, these Halloween commercials my mind on a single track right now), and then change your appearance back. Over time, people will slowly stop associating you with the horrible mistakes you made.
Remember when you learned that all your cells are replaced every seven years in your middle school science class? That means that seven years from now, not a single cell in your body will have violated a Halloween decoration. Changing your appearance will dramatically expedite that process.
Move Away
Somebody once said that every young man needs to move to a new city all on his own, and it looks like you’ve got just the chance to do so. I would strongly recommend somewhere in Florida. Why? Just read the news. With all the face-eating and other general sexual and dietary anarchy going on in that state, nobody’s going to bat an eye at your situation. Oh, you stuck your dick in a squash? Nice going, rookie.
Become A Bounty Hunter
This might seem like a hassle at first, but it’s probably easier than you think. In my state (Utah, to be fair), becoming a bounty hunter requires little more than 16 hours of training and “good moral character.” Once you get certified, all you have to do is get out there and start kicking ass. Who’s going to call you a pumpkin-fucker when they know you can hunt them down and serve them some justice?
Embrace It
Just come clean to everyone. Don’t make anymore excuses. Tell people how hot and bothered you were when you saw that spooky Jack-o-lantern staring you right in the eyes. Tell them how it felt when your junk felt its gooey, orange embrace. Tell them that you now know what it means to be truly alive. There are all sorts of people dealing with the awful things they’ve done, and this is your cross to bear. Bear it with pride, and never look back, you frisky pumpkin-lover, you.
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I fucked a Jack-o-lantern yesterday..
Image via Shutterstock
I feel like this is the announcement from TFM.
8 years ago at 10:45 amDeclaring bankruptcy via a profanity-laced allegory about the need to reinvent yourself after getting caught fucking a pumpkin – TFM.
8 years ago at 1:10 pmLiterally TTFMM
8 years ago at 4:18 pmTFM has been fucked up for months and needs to reinvent itself. Firing your best writers is a terrible start.
8 years ago at 10:59 amAn idea that I don’t think I have seen thrown around in the comments in the last day is that maybe all the good writers left together and and planing on making their own better version of TFM with forums, good articles, etc.
8 years ago at 11:59 amNo shot
8 years ago at 12:06 pmI want to make a Danny Regs joke but it just makes me sad now.
8 years ago at 11:01 amAre the series of self-help articles a cry for help TFM?
8 years ago at 11:01 amI thought IGBOTD would be back?
8 years ago at 11:05 amBoosh or Danny regs start a new site I’ll follow you there and I’m sure most people on this site would be willing to leave the dumpster fire. Just make sure you have a forum and rush tits not articles from shitty writers.
8 years ago at 11:14 amCalm down
8 years ago at 11:40 amI’m just gonna go and say it. It was fun while it lasted. As a fifth year, I can say the best years have passed. It’s now time for me to retire and find another website in which I can win internet points. I have some few words for some people: Dan, eat a salad. Dorn, start touching bigger boys. Bacon, kill yourself and Boosh, I’ll miss you. Goodbye TFM.
8 years ago at 11:45 amPGP actually has some good content.
8 years ago at 12:09 pmWar eagle buddy
8 years ago at 12:16 pm#BringBackRugerDern
8 years ago at 12:14 pmIs this Grandex’s way of announcing their impending bankruptcy?
8 years ago at 12:58 pmI didn’t know Wally took over Cope’s account too.
8 years ago at 1:31 pm