Michael Jenkins, Self-Righteous College Professor: Exam Day

Dent7 years ago

This is part two of a series. Click here to check out part one of Michael Jenkins, Self-Righteous College Professor.

It is that time of year for midterm exams at Rocky Mountain State University (RMSU). Thus far, Professor Michael Jenkins has had a tough time connecting to this semester’s batch of students. His brash exterior and strict guidelines have not sat well with the crowd of disrespectful millennials.

What is with these students’ attitudes this semester? I’ve seen what past classes have said about me on that ratings website. Strict but fair, that’s what they say. So what’s the matter with this bunch?

From TeacherRate:

STRICT BUT FAIR — fair for a dictatorship. Michael is a mean-spirited douche. It takes a lot of effort to believe everyone respects you when really we all think you’re a pretentious, sad little man. Clearly he’s just lonely and that’s why he has to be such a dick all the time. 0/5.

Come in hot and toss these midterms out like pancakes, Mike. Show them that there won’t be any games today. Your fucking show, buddy — your show.

Jenkins bursts into a full auditorium for the first time this semester.

“Oh, looks like I finally have a full class for once. Thank you for joining us!” The smugness was palpable.

“Alright, you know the drill. IDs: let’s see ’em.”

Jenk’s classes had become notorious for the infamous ID check. Each student must present photo identification to prove that they are actually the ones in attendance for the exam. Unfortunately not everyone got the memo, as a symphony of whispers echoed across the room.

“I was very clear in the last class period that identification would be required. Those without any will not be permitted to take the exam and unfortunately will have to receive an automatic zero.”

A roar erupts in the crowd.

“That’s fucking bullshit, dude,” one particularly skeevy-looking student protested.

“No, sir; F-ing bull-S is this being your first day showing up to my class,” Mike rebutted. “Would anyone else like to voice their displeasure?”

Realizing it would be better to just take the L, the defeated minority filed for the exits, surely to never be seen again.

After completing his 15-minute crusade against identity fraud, Michael heads for his desk to retrieve the exams. As he lifts the hefty stack of packets and begins to pass them out, he goes over the guidelines.

“I know all of the tricks in the book, so I would think twice before trying me. Hats? Take them off. Water bottles? Nope. Cell phones? If I see a gosh darn cell phone… And don’t forget: no scientific calculators. You may only compute with a calculator of the dollar store variety.”

Satisfied that he had covered everything, he lets the exam finally commence.

“There are 100 multiple choice questions, you have…” he takes a moment to check his watch, “looks like 38 minutes left to complete it.”

Now is when the real job begins. MJ always shuddered at the fact that other professors would simply grade papers or browse their computer while administering an exam. It has always been his belief that it is a professor’s duty to be proactive in the anti-cheating process — to be a watchdog of sorts for suspicious activity.

He scans from his perch at the front of the room when he spots it — a young lady near the top is reaching down to shuffle around in her bag.

Showtime, baby!

Swiftly, he climbs the stairs.

MJ leans down and whispers, “Freeze! What’s in the bag? Notes? A phone? A phone with notes?”

The girl very calmly rolls her eyes before pulling out a bottle of water.

“Unless Ice Mountain is one of the exam answers, I think you can relax.”

Fuck.

In an attempt to save face, Mike quickly picks up the bottle and pretends to inspect it like he actually might find something.

“Looks good. Carry on.”

Time quickly ticks away when Professor Jenkins alerts the class of the five-minute warning.

A student in the front can be seen frantically waving for his attention.

“Professor, I’ll just be honest — you didn’t give us near enough time for this.” Jenkins grins.

“Well if it is time you are concerned about, I suggest you stop wasting it by talking to me.”

As the clock expires, students are instructed to turn in what they have completed. A fat stack of 50 or so half-completed exams find their way into Michael’s hands.

“Alright, I will (hopefully) see you all next week.”

He gathers the remainder of his things and heads for the exit.

Well, certainly not the worst exam I’ve ever given. .

Image via Shutterstock