Mizzou About To Be Torn Apart By St. Louis Blues-Chicago Blackhawks Series

Jared Borislow9 years ago

There’s no love lost between St. Louis Blues fans and Chicago Blackhawks fans, as those teams are two of the the NHL’s most bitter rivals. And, with its high percentage of students from both the Gateway and Windy cities, the brutal nature of this rivalry is no more apparent than on the campus of the University of Missouri. Columbia, MO, turns into a war-torn, Geneva Convention-less battleground every time these two teams face off. The kind of place Syrian refugee hopefuls would refuse to go to. Wearing blue or red out in public can literally get you stabbed by a member of the opposing faction, so it essentially becomes Compton if Compton had a bunch of luxury student apartments that nobody wanted.

Thanks to the NHL Playoffs, the Blues and Blackhawks will be facing off in a minimum of four games over the next 13 days, starting tonight. In the hours leading up to tonight’s matchup, we decided to put a Mizzou student from either faction in a room together to find out exactly why they hate each other so much. We started off by asking Mizzou student and St. Louis Blues fan Michael Johansson what he hates about the Hawks.

Johansson: “Isn’t it obvious?!? The Blackhawks? THE BLACKHAWKS? Native Americans are people, not mascots. It’s 2016 for crying out loud! I can’t believe league officials haven’t required them to change their name yet. It’s so unbelievably offensive to the honorable and storied Blackhawk tribe of Illinois. I guess NHL stands for National HATE League!”

Mizzou student and native Chicagoan Laura Kaminski came in quick with her response before we could point out to Johansson that there is no such thing as the “Blackhawk tribe of Illinois.”

Kaminski: “You’re one to talk! The Blues? Hockey is the whitest sport in the world, and your blatant appropriation of black culture in a city with no connection to the soulful, beautiful blues style of music has not fallen on blind eyes.”

Johansson: “You dork. Our team is named after the song “Saint Louis Blues” by W.C. Handy, an African-American man.”

Kaminski: “Psh, a handy is what you should be giving Mr. W.C. as reparations for your state’s SLAVERY PAST, you monster! And did you just call me a dork? It’s offensive to refer to me as a whale’s penis. Whales are one of our fellow mammals on planet Earth and deserve your utmost respect, you ignorant, ignorant man!”

Johansson: “Joke’s on you. Dork never actually referred to a whale penis. That is a common misconception. Almost as common a misconception as Chicago being full of a bunch of uncultured, benighted, passive racists. OH WAIT, THAT ONE’S TRUE.”

Kaminski: “Have fun supporting a team that represents a culture they know nothing about and have nothing to do with. Your players are going to be checking our players tonight out on the ice, but what they should be doing is checking their privilege.”

Johansson and Kaminski in unison: “Fuck you!”

There you have it. The puck drops tonight at 8:30 p.m. CST. Stay safe out there, Mizzou students and Columbia residents — there will be no Missouri compromising in this hate-filled ordeal..

Image via YouTube