The Winners

1. Texas

5 – 7 season? Check. Massive coaching turnover? Yep. Witnessing your arch rival win yet another conference championship? Absolutely. Despite unparalleled misfortune for a program just thirteen months removed from a national championship appearance, the University of Texas lands a top 5 recruiting class. But how?

Many thought losing Brother Muschamp to the jorts of the southeast would be the final nail in the proverbial coffin, sending Texas into a downward spiral of mediocrity. Those people weren’t taking into consideration that Texas still had the Mack Daddy of Perseverance at the helm. Mack Brown, a Hall of Fame Rush Chair in college football, landed some of the brightest young coaching minds in the country and held together a class for the ages. They landed a slew of four star prospects and addressed their biggest issue of the ’10 season, running the damn ball, with 5* running back, Malcolm Brown from Cibolo, TX. That’s not all, though.

In perhaps collegiate athletics’ TFM of the year, Texas signed a 20 year, $300 MM contract with ESPN and IMG College in the midst of the worst season in well over a decade. Headed by Athletic Director, Deloss Dodds and President Bill Powers, Texas boasts the premier athletic administration in the nation. Texas is the foremost player for capitalism in collegiate sports.

Bring out the 24 year old single-malt, Coach Brown. You’ve earned it.

2. FSU

Florida State University, led by Jimbo Fisher, is in line to clean up on talented prospects in the southeastern United States.

Fisher just completed his first year as head coach. Filling the shoes of a legend is no easy task, but filling the shoes of a legend who is also the greatest recruiter of all-time is damn near impossible. Throw in the fact that Free Shoes University has been an average football program since longer than most freshmen pledges can remember, and Coach Fisher was facing a daunting task.

Imagine the rebuilding and replenishing job the members of Delta Tau Chi had to embark on after the likes of Stratton, Hoover and Schoenstein completely decimated the chapter in legendary TFM fashion. Fisher accepted the challenge, scoffed, and landed nothing but blue chips. Headlined by Karlos “with a K” Williams, a 6’2″ 210 pound defensive back from Florida, the ’11 class fulfilled every need. FSU looks to haze the piss out of the ACC for years to come.

In a valiant charge to overtake the aforementioned denim crusaders of Gainesville as the frattest University in Florida, FSU makes a decent case already. Chapter President, Jimbo Fisher, is proving to be the man for the job.

3. Clemson

I originally had UGA slotted for the final “Winners” profile, but Clemson’s unprecedented surge on national signing day made it impossible to exclude them.

According to Rivals.com, only 26 players in the country are worthy of a five star ranking. Clemson received letters of intent from four of them today. Yes, THAT Clemson. They landed two linebackers in Stephone “Why couldn’t you just name me Steven?” Anthony and Tony Steward that look to contribute right away for a couple reasons: 1. It’s Clemson football, where talent is few and far between, and 2. They really are just that fucking good. Three of the five stars are from Florida and right under the noses of The Big Three. Well done.

Dabo Swinney, you sharp dressed, sweet-talking, sly son of a bitch. I can’t help but notice that Dabo walks a fine line with his hair. He maintains the clean cut professional look while mixing in a subtle Alabama comb over. You’re not fooling TFMers, sir. We know you. You’re one of us.

Swinney, a former Pike from Alabama, looks to get the Tigers on track in Death Valley.

Other Winners: Alabama, Auburn, Georgia, LSU, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Oregon, USC

The Losers

1. Miami

What a disgrace to the south, and especially Florida, a state that mightily struggles to stay respectable in the frat game.

The rest of the country has been laughing and mocking at your geed-laden student body for years, and now prospective student athletes are finally following suit. According to one reputable publication, “Da U” is ranked #33 in the nation in recruiting rankings. 33? In Florida? That’s a hotbed of football talent. Your mailman probably runs a 4.4.

Okay, so football may be down for a few years. At least you geeds have wild tailgating to fall back on, right? Wait, what’s that? You don’t? Oh, well at least the environment is electrifying around your football stadium…Huh? You have to borrow it from the Miami Dolphins? Damn.

“Thank God Randy Shannon is out,” you guys are saying. Yeah, because fucking Al Golden carries a big stick in Florida, right? He’ll have ‘em lining up to wear the orange and green. Please. Expect more of the same in the near future.

Look Cane fans, embrace your GDIism, the beach, your clubbing culture, Spanish, and LeBron’s Heat, because talented high school football players are no longer “taking their talents to Southbeach.”

2. TCU

Great football season, Horned Frogs. I mean that was truly a great damn season. BCS game winners and everything. That’s your first one, right? Big time.

Texas is a big state with more than a couple really good to great football programs, and you guys were clearly the best team in the state in 2010. Let’s see if Coach Patterson was able to capitalize on the momentum.

It says here you guys have 25 commitments. Solid, but how good are they? Not very, it turns out. With a star rating hovering somewhere around the Mendoza line, it would appear that your coaching staff will continue to try and make winners out of rushees that every program in Texas blackballed. Well, every program except for you that is.

You know that future fratstar that attended your rush party on a courtesy visit, just because he used to be “boys” with one of your actives? You know, he’s the one from Highland Park High School with the $400 loafers that have 7 years wear, the crisp Oxford, the hair, the 2012 Tahoe that hasn’t come out yet, and a “ten” on each arm. You want him badly, don’t you? Shit, you need guys like him. Yeah, go ahead and throw him a bid. He won’t accept it, though. I know it. He knows it. You know it. Hell, every other gelled up scrub at your party knows it. Just be happy you got him inside that shithole you call a frat house. He knows where he belongs, and it’s the fratcastle on the corner.

You’re still just TCU, a private university that plays second fiddle to the big boys of D-1 football. Great looking cheerleaders at least.

3. Ohio State

The Vest isn’t used to this position. Year in and year out, Jim Tressel has secured top recruiting class after top recruiting class. This is new territory for him.

Relatively speaking, this class isn’t a bad one, but it’s not the OSU standard we’ve all become accustomed to. From where I sit, Ohio State is sitting at 24 commitments with an average well under 4 stars.

Perhaps it’s the weather up there that’s deterring these blue-chippers. Maybe it’s the town of Columbus they don’t like. What if they are creeped out by grown men wearing cargos and jerseys of 19 year-olds? It could be because your offensive tackles look like lesbians. Or maybe they don’t want to get their dicks kicked in by the SEC anymore. That’s my guess.

Hey OSU commitments, have fun at those apartment one-keggers with pale-skinned fat chicks and dudes wearing Dock Martin boots. Every southern school commitment will keep you in mind while they’re taking in the southern heat, raging at fratcastles, working slampieces, and winning big time fucking football games.

At least you still have The Vest.

Other Losers: A&M, Florida, Ole Miss, Michigan, South Carolina, Virginia Tech