New Technology Will Allow U.S. Soldiers to Shoot Lightning Bolts… FREAKIN’ LIGHTNING BOLTS!
12 years ago

Technology wins modern day wars, plain and simple. This is why America, the most technologically advanced country in the world, continually kicks the living shit out of everyone stupid enough to mess with the U S of A. But now scientists in New Jersey are about to change the game with a new technology that allows soldiers to shoot a freaking lightning bolt at targets.

This weapon will be one of the most powerful machines ever built. “During the duration of the laser pulse, it can be putting out more power than a large city needs, but the pulse only lasts for two-trillionths of a second,” according to Tony Stark George Fischer, head scientist on the project.

But what if you’re not a good shot? Don’t worry about it, humans and most objects are better natural conductors than the ground, so the lightning bolt will naturally gravitate towards the designated target.

Our soldiers will soon have the ability to shoot terrorist seeking lightning bolts. It’s like Uncle Sam scaled Mount Olympus, kicked Zeus in his old balls, and stole his powers in the name of freedom.

I’m not going to lie, I no longer fear an invasion by super intelligent aliens. Soon U.S. Marines will be wielding godlike powers so that they can melt the face of any foreign enemy, be they terrorists or a race of lizard people from the Horsehead Nebula. It doesn’t matter, eat lightning motherfuckers.

Tests are currently being run on various targets, and according to the scientists working on the weapon the tests are pretty entertaining. “We never got tired of the lightning bolts zapping our simulated (targets),” said Fischer. One thing is certain: when this technology becomes battle-ready, we’ll only be extending our lead as the most powerful country in the world.

I hope the terrorists have fun trying to fall asleep at night knowing that 1.21 jiggawats of white, hot death is waiting for them.

  3. Fratlosophy101

    Let’s think about this a second. Who the fuck is going to step anywhere near us, knowing that we can just Thor the shit out of them?

    12 years ago at 9:48 am
    3. TKEpledge

      Children, Children, this is not funny. If you were educated better as pledges (which you weren’t obvously), you’d know this is not expected of true gentleman.

      12 years ago at 12:01 pm
  11. Bronan the Barbarian

    Now, if we could field this and powered battle armor, we could literally crush every armed force on the planet, combined.

    12 years ago at 12:01 pm
    1. Pee Buttermore

      Hahha yea bro totally cuz nuclear warfare is definitely NF and wouldn’t do shit to powered battle armor.

      12 years ago at 12:37 pm
    2. Bronan the Barbarian

      Ok, but no one wins in nuclear war, dumbass. Last time I checked, we weren’t exactly prepared for a nuclear winter. And, depending on the armor, yes, it actually wouldn’t do shit to powered armor unless you were in the blast radius.

      12 years ago at 1:55 pm