Someone Please, Please, Please Draft Chad Kelly
8 years ago

chad-kelly

So things got pretty saturated with Johnny Manziel news, right? By the end of his run, he would’ve had to hijack a cruise ship full of orphans and drunkenly steered it into a cartel-controlled Mexican port city for me to have raised an eyebrow. We all grew tired of the constant barrage of news about the guy. However, you can’t deny how exciting his reign of terror was, and we’re still searching for someone to take up his space on that mantle. The solution is obvious, and its name is Chad.

The nephew of NFL great Jim Kelly, Chad, who prefers the nickname “Swag,” has had a long and interesting run as a college quarterback. He’s played for three different colleges, and has had disciplinary issues pop up throughout his career. In his most famous incident, he got into an altercation with a bouncer outside of a club, threatened to return to the club with an AK-47, and resisted arrest. Hell, the guy even came up with a terrible rap song about himself. As if this weren’t enough, he also managed to score some touchdowns along the way. 41 of them, in fact, in his junior year at Ole Miss alone.

When news broke of Swag Kelly’s season-ending injury back in November, I thought, “That sucks, but at least the shit train will keep on rolling into the pros.” I’ve recently noticed, however, that many analysts expect him to go undrafted this April. And I get it. The glaring character issues, accuracy problems, and lack of pocket awareness come together to paint a bleak picture for Chad on draft day. But I’m making an appeal to all the general managers and personnel out there: Please, please, please draft Chad Kelly.

I’m not saying this from the traditional standpoint of, “Well, he’ll straighten out if you put him in the right system.” I don’t want a Bill Belichick who will stifle his magic, or a Bruce Arians to call him out for having bad practices. I want him with some schmuck who will enable him. Who will let him keep us entertained. Whomever drafts him has the added bonus of not having to sacrifice a high pick to get him, too. Johnny Manziel cost a 1st-rounder two years ago; you can probably get Chad for a seventh.

When you draft Chad Kelly, you’re getting a guy who would shoot up a nightclub for his teammates, which I feel is something that is sorely lacking in the modern sports landscape. Sure, mild-mannered guys like Dak Prescott and Russell Wilson will stack up wins for your team, but the NFL is primarily a business of entertainment. To those ends, Chad will never disappoint.

Image via YouTube

    2. richdaddybowtiefrat

      Using nicknames like swag and still being outwardly racist is TFTC, bro.

      8 years ago at 10:01 pm
    1. JakeFromState

      I hope not. I’ve accepted the life of being a Browns fan but with first pick I hope we can do something.

      8 years ago at 7:12 pm
    1. CanadianB4C0N

      Yeah he slid in alright. But he came up way short and was called out on a force at first.

      8 years ago at 6:24 pm
  5. MuffMcFluff

    We going to start sucking the dick of every college football player who parties? What made Manziel cool was that he was actually good while dicking off, there’s no comparison here.

    8 years ago at 9:31 am
    1. StockWithFrock

      Kelly’s not even that bad. I don’t think he could be Manziel great but he is definitely top 3 quarterbacks in the SEC.

      8 years ago at 7:58 pm
  7. SteveHoltOnDrugs

    Accuracy problems? Lack of pocket awareness? The Texans will give him $34,000,000.

    8 years ago at 10:19 am
  8. nimbus2k

    Too bad none of the GM’s for NFL teams are in highschool, otherwise there might actually have been a chance that one of them read this.

    8 years ago at 11:25 am
  10. SquareGroveFrat

    Normally after a dogshit season like the Rebs just had, I would “no comment” my way to the start of next season, but I have to defend my boy, Swag. In his two years playing D-1, there were two, maybe three quarterbacks in college football I for sure would’ve rather had calling the shots (pun intended) for the Rebs. People think Swag had it made because he had a plethora of huge, fast wide receivers to throw to. That is fair, but people forget to mention he had nothing you could jokingly call a running game or an offensive line. The offense was practically Swag with five practice dummies protecting him, a warm body at running back, and a couple athletes he miraculously had time to throw the ball to. All that is not to mention 90% of those “poor decisions” he made were him trying to dig his team out of a hole our historically bad (no, literally historically bad) defense put us in. Swag is a character off the field, and I’m actually kinda pissed he toned it down once he came to Ole Miss, but make no mistake; that strange fucker is a baller on the field.

    8 years ago at 3:02 pm
    1. richdaddybowtiefrat

      He’s a fucking baller off the field too. Me and my boy Chad stuffed all kinds of strange crashing Christmas parties this year.

      8 years ago at 9:54 pm
  11. shesapearl

    Can’t believe you missed embedding his rap as a soundtrack for this article. Poor research

    8 years ago at 3:47 pm