Nobody Cares About Your New Fraternity Little Brother, You Jamoke

PortlandPledgeHazers8 years ago

Each Friday morning, I drag myself to my monotonous day job knowing that, for a few short minutes, I can get a cheap laugh at some poor social media user’s expense via Fail Friday. The collection of submissions each week seems the same, yet is always entertaining. Somebody passed out with soiled pants, a shitty tattoo (oftentimes with Harambe involved), someone who more closely resembles the Michelin Man than a human being throwing sorority letters, etc.

While these are all wholly cancerous in their own rite, there is one trend that makes me madder than Chris Christie after Golden Corral cuts him off during his twelfth trip back to the bottomless buffet. Practically every Friday, I find myself scrolling past pictures of two goobers bragging about their new little brother or family lineage while I try to hold back smashing my phone on my desk. While all of the aforementioned are despicable actions which any self-respecting man would dodge like the plague, there is one overwhelming lesson which fraternity men everywhere need to learn once and for all: NOBODY CARES THAT YOU GOT A NEW LITTLE BROTHER.

The most frequent and cringe-inducing images on this site often come about via some process like this:

1. Pledge gets his big brother at midpoint of pledgeship.

2. Big brother and little brother stage a sorority sister-esque photo shoot, usually while wearing matching attire after the big/little celebrations.

3. Big brother decides, “Hey, I think my misfit gang of Instagram followers would think these photos are SICK, even those who follow my account out of sheer pity.”

4. Big brother posts collection of treacherously questionable photos paired with either a douchebag tryhard caption reading “Welcome to the dopest fam on the row little bro, can’t wait to crush it with you” or the horrifically cliche and never funny “Gonna be a LIT time with my new LITtle brother #Frat #Little.”

Do not let me be mistaken: the big brother system is amazing and makes for great memories and hilarious stories in each chapter. My big brother and I have remained close ever since I pledged and he has been a part of many of my favorite fraternity experiences, yet this does not mean we felt the need to take what could be mistaken as engagement photos to document the beginning of it. If anyone ever sees me post an uncomfortably endearing photo of myself with my little brother, please be aware that means I was killed off and replaced Paul McCartney style (look it up; it’s true).

Having a cool little brother is fun for you, but the truth is nobody else gives a shit. At his best, your little brother should be a pledge whom you actually somewhat enjoy spending time with and one whom you want to mentor during pledgeship then further bond with after initiation. At his worst, he is a shitty pledge who nobody wanted to take as a little brother and he will probably end up dropped anyways, so fuck him. Either way, he is still just a subhuman pledge who does not need to be used as a prop for your weird photos. So stop that..

Image via YouTube