Norts Under An Oversized T-Shirt Is The Ugliest Outfit A Girl Can Wear

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I was sitting in Austin staple ThunderCloud Subs enjoying a hot pastrami sandwich a couple weeks back when I suddenly lost my appetite. No, not because fellow TFM writer Boosh was there and happened to be regaling one of our coworkers with the story about that one time he jerked off with a microwaved banana peel — I’d heard that story plenty of times already and have become immune to its whimsy. It was because of the college-aged girl who happened to enter the restaurant.

This wasn’t a bad looking girl, as you’d imagine her to be from my reaction. Her attire, however, when judging her holistically, forced me to overrule that initial reckoning. She was wearing an outfit so heinous that I would have squeezed lemon segments into my eyes to ease the pain had ThunderCloud not moved all fruit to make it inaccessible to guests after hearing Boosh was coming in that day.

‘Twas the stereotypical sorority outfit: norts underneath an oversized T-shirt. Nike sneakers, too, but I don’t have a problem with that. Those are just some good shoes.

The ensemble in question turns every girl it touches into an amorphous blob. This girl in ThunderCloud woke up that morning and was completely normal looking, even after she put on the norts. That all changed, though, when she threw on the oversized purple shirt, which caused her body to instantly and miraculously change shape. It’s like she’s a bootleg version of one of the Wonder Twins, and contact with her shirt activates her superpower: the ability to transform into an unflatteringly-shaped purple entity.

“Wonder Betch power, activate! Form of…

… a misshapen eggplant!

… a dark chocolate hershey kiss!

… a transgender version of popular McDonald’s mascot Grimace!”

I get it. If girls want to, they can dress to be comfortable instead of to impress the opposite sex. There’s no law that says girls need to always be ready for dudes to feast their eyes upon them. That’s obviously completely fine, too. I do the same thing when I wear Hawaiian shirts, Birkenstocks (hate on it, haters), and short jorts.

The difference here, ladies, is that when men dress comfortably, we still maintain a semblance of aesthetic appeal, regardless of your attitude towards the clothes we’re wearing. Because, when it comes down to it, we may be wearing clothes you think are ugly, but they’re still — you guessed it — clothes. Norts underneath an oversized T-shirt is not clothing. Not normal clothes, at least. At the very best, it’s pajamas, and at the very least, it’s an eyesore. It makes girls look like a bunch of Pac-Man ghosts running around campus, and, if you keep wearing that god-awful outfit, I can guarantee that no guy is going to take out his Clyde and shoot some Inky into your Pinky, Blinky.

Keep in mind that the girl who inspired this column is just a normal girl whose only crime against aesthetics, albeit a huge one, was deciding to wear a shirt that could double as a daredevil midget’s wingsuit. I don’t blame her, though. After all, her oversized shirt had her sorority’s nickname printed across the chest, evidencing the fact that this is a widespread fad amongst college-aged girls. The girl I saw was just an ambiguously-shaped pawn on the chess board of conformity.

And that’s just what people who wear this outfit are: conformists. Girls who wear this outfit only do it because they’re unoriginal and don’t want to risk embarrassment by showing off their own, personal, possibly not-well-received style. Guys obviously do the same thing to a degree with khakis, polos, boat shoes, etc., but our choice of clothing is much, much more stylish and casual than their absurd choice.

Oversized T-shirt and norts-wearing girls, if everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you? I know I wouldn’t. What I’d do is tell them that I was going to jump off the bridge after them, watch them all plummet to their deaths, and then go about my merry, non-flattened way. You can do this, too. All you have to do is wear normal clothes, watch your non-distinctly-shaped peers jump off the fashion bridge, and laugh at them on their way down. I believe in you.

Image via JWo Designs

  1. Puddles10

    Vivid picture painted by the “midget’s wingsuit” visual. I’m going to make up an excuse to use that asap.

    9 years ago at 1:39 pm
  2. WinstonEverettTownes

    When fat girls do it, like the one pictured; they’re just doing it to hide their rolls.

    9 years ago at 1:50 pm
  3. kayp

    “a misshapen eggplant!… a dark chocolate hershey kiss!”… a transgender version of popular McDonald’s mascot Grimace!”
    bruh– using transgender as an insulting adjective, presumably to enhance an image that’s intended to cause ppl to lose their appetite, is v fucked yo

    “I get it. If girls want to, they can dress to be comfortable instead of to impress the opposite sex. There’s no law that says girls need to always be ready for dudes to feast their eyes upon them. That’s obviously completely fine, too. I do the same thing when I wear Hawaiian shirts, Birkenstocks (hate on it, haters), and short jorts.”
    girls don’t live in some fucked up fashion binary that dictates their only options are comfortable and/or ‘impressing the opposite sex.’ you finding a girl’s outfit attractive is usually gonna be a side effect of how the outfit is affecting her– not bc that was her only hope and dream when she was getting dressed. Not every girl is even interested in attracting the opposite sex (at all) when she is trying to make moves (not that you seem to have any real grasp on anything non-cis). And truuuu, there isn’t a fucking law… but there is an implication– by you– that girls intrinsically are something that can be feasted upon via your eyes. Maybe in some cases that word choice is just an idiom, but given the context, I think it’s safe to interpret it as a comment that is deeply rooted in a misogynistic mindset. And you don’t do the same thing with your Hawaiian shirts and Birkes asshole, bc you have zero of the experiences girls have when it comes to societal commentary on clothing choices. You pretty clearly don’t get it. That was p funny, lol.

    “It makes girls look like a bunch of Pac-Man ghosts running around campus, and, if you keep wearing that god-awful outfit, I can guarantee that no guy is going to take out his Clyde and shoot some Inky into your Pinky, Blinky.”
    Actually, some dude probably will try at least try something with his ‘Clyde’ on one of these women when she hasn’t given consent, because as I’m sure you’ve been made aware, sexual assault is rampant (about 1 of 4) on college campuses. Unfortunately despite your claim, it seems just wearing a desexualizing outfit isn’t enough for a woman to be seen as anything but a sexual object by her classmates and colleagues.

    satire is funny when it’s rooted in truth; otherwise, it falls a little flat. especially, when almost every one of your poorly executed ‘satirical’ jokes is rooted in ignorance and/or tired stereotypes with not much else to back it up.

    In conclusion,
    Fuck You

    9 years ago at 12:43 am
  4. cemmert

    This is the most hypocritical article I have ever read in my life. Who are you to judge what other people choose to wear? Yes, I wear norts and oversized tshirts all the time. Why? Because this outfit is comfy as fuck. The shorts are free moving while the tshirt is non conforming and airy. There is nothing wrong with this outfit and more importantly, nothing wrong with the girls that choose to wear it. Shame on you for this shallow, inconsiderate, and unbelievably judgmental article.

    9 years ago at 9:44 am