Nothing Says “Found You!” Like a Double Tap to the Head
Brothers,
I received a call from my father at 10 o’clock Sunday night. All he said was, “Check Fox News.” I was in the middle of having a drink or two with some friends, so you can imagine the looks I got when the TV guide told us that the program was “The Royal Wedding Recap.” I thought pops had finally lost it. Instead, I was greeted by Geraldo’s moustache informing me of the demise of a certain Saudi Arabian Asshole, which would also be a sweet ass name for a drink (recipe ideas?). Well, you know the rest of the story, and if you’re any kind of serious about being an American, you’ve been drinking and rocking a full on patriot chub while jamming Boston’s Star-Spangled banner on repeat since then. I haven’t seen people this excited since my drunken pledge brothers discovered that the McRib was back at McDonald’s, except in this situation, the McRib is bin Laden and McDonald’s is Pakistan, and we just shot the McRib in the fucking face.
It’s nice to see that for a while, everyone can set aside their bullshit and celebrate the important things in life…a 5.56 mm round embedded in a scumbag’s cranium. It’s nice to be able to say that our President has done the unequivocally right thing. It’s nice to see a small victory among all of the shit that our boys go through. Here’s what I don’t like, though. I don’t like sea burials. Look, I get it. Give the man his Islamic ritual to prevent retaliatory attacks. Bury him at sea so that his grave doesn’t become a target, or worse, a shrine for radical douchers. I totally get that. I’m just pissed because I had some sweet ideas on what to do with the body that would have been fuckin’ tits. These ideas totally would have worked; I can even recommend a good taxidermist:
1. Set him up at the front door of CIA headquarters with his hand extended. This way, the first thing our Spooks do when they walk in for work is high-five bin Laden, as if to say, “Good game, bud. But don’t ever fucking play hide and seek with the USA.”
2. Use him in the final challenge of the History Channel’s phenomenal series, “Top Shot.” I’m thinking we set him up 700 yards away and have the two finalists hang upside down and try to tag his ass with a .50 cal.
3. Have a nationwide essay contest for kids ages 6-12 to win what I like to call “The Osama Piñata” for their next birthday. The subject of the essay will be: “Justify Sterling Cooper’s recent intramural outburst, and make a case for his banishment from intramural events to be lifted.” The winner will get to pummel bin Laden’s body at his/her (but let’s be honest, probably his) birthday party until it releases its contents. What would ordinarily be candy will be replaced by pocket Constitutions and fake ID’s for all his friends.
Finally, let’s all take a step back. This milestone is important, but we’ve got a long way to go. I vote that we take this week off from seriousness. Let’s celebrate what just happened properly. Drink bourbon because it’s American. Slam broads because it’s fun. Ignore liberals because they’re dumb. Buy every veteran you see a drink because it’s right. And above all, prepare for next week, because there are still a lot of terrorists threatening Lady Liberty. And I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to go back to war.
Not bad sterling im a fan of your columns good to see some American patriotism!
13 years ago at 8:47 pmSaudi Arabian Asshole
13 years ago at 8:49 pmWhat you will need:
Shot glass (duh)
brown sugar (sand)
Grenadine (blood)
Whiskey (because its fucking awesome)
1. coat rim of shot glass with whiskey and dip in brown sugar
2. Fill shot glass 3/4 full of whiskey and the rest Grenadine
3. Take it
4. Repeat Step 3 as necessary
5. Rage
Only one modification. It should be 2 shots.
13 years ago at 9:04 pm^Agreed. Has to be a double, but then I think we’ve got a winner.
13 years ago at 9:20 pmI see what you did there, Strom Thurmond.
13 years ago at 9:26 pmfinish it with a splash of salt water
13 years ago at 9:44 pmTesting that shot out this weekend without a doubt.
13 years ago at 9:52 pmI am a huge whiskey fan but I feel you should use jager for oil
13 years ago at 10:14 pmAlthough an excellent concoction for a drink, The official spirit of the United States of America is bourbon. Because we’re celebrating an American victory, whiskey should never even be in your thoughts, let alone your hand.
13 years ago at 10:28 pmWithout trying to sound like a pedantic fuck, he probably is talking about bourbon. Different whiskey/whisky is spelled different ways. If you hear an American say whiskey, they probably mean bourbon, not Scotch, Irish Whiskey, or Canadian Whisky.
13 years ago at 10:44 pmWell said.
13 years ago at 8:51 pmBest work so far sir. I’ll be more than a little pissed if Obama makes us pack up and go home before I even ship to basic.
13 years ago at 8:55 pmFine work again Mr. Cooper. GOD bless America and GOD bless our troops.
13 years ago at 9:02 pmSterling Cooper 2012
13 years ago at 9:04 pmSecond. SC, you are fantastic.
13 years ago at 9:21 pmSterling, you’re an inspiration to us all.
13 years ago at 9:13 pmWhoever banned Sterling Cooper from intramurals hates America.
13 years ago at 9:24 pmAlright just so we’re clear (I know you’re all TFTC but I’m saying it anyway): A sea burial is not an Islamic burial.
Real Muslims don’t regard Bin Laden as a Muslim because this past decade (hell, all terrorist attacks for that matter) are not what Islam stands for. Do your research, I sure did.
If you want to know the real reason his body was disposed that way, it’s in order to prevent idiots from idolizing a land burial site. In the ocean, the body would disintegrate into oblivian (due to whatever else chemicals SEAL Team 6 packed inside the body).
Enough said.
13 years ago at 9:30 pmAlso, since his family wasn’t going to claim his body he could have been buried literally anywhere and it would have been fine in terms of Islam.
13 years ago at 9:39 pmIt’s almost like you didn’t read the column.
13 years ago at 9:41 pmNo, but Islamic burials do call for them to be preformed within 24 hours, so that didn’t give them a lot of options way out there in Pakistan.
13 years ago at 9:50 pmEnough said…? fuckin’ geed
You did your research? The quran is based on a concept called abrogation, which basically means that each progressing surah (chapter) supersedes the previous one. In other words, whatever the later surah says negates the one that comes before it. The final surah is the one that states that all nonbelievers [of Islam]should be killed or mutilated in the name of Allah. Therefore, if a Muslim is a real Muslim, he is bound by the quran to believe this. Think about it, do you believe just part of the Bible or the whole thing? They may not necessarily like it, or think that it is their responsibility to carry out the violence, but it’s a big part of their “holy book.” Islam is a violent religion. Not to say that every Muslim is violent, but as a whole, it is not the peaceful religion that all these politically correct assholes want you to believe. One final point: even if the “peaceful” Muslims do not engage in violence, they do absolutely nothing to stop their fellow believers from doing so. Sitting back and letting it happen is just as bad as setting off the bombs themselves.
13 years ago at 10:18 pmThey could’ve packed the body with C4 and blew it to shit. We don’t know. Honestly I don’t care, we killed that fuckin doucher. Buried at sea? Fine, let the sharks tear him apart
13 years ago at 10:22 pmBoots and beer, you must be fucking insane if you believe the entire bible. Read Leviticus and get back to me. It’s kind of the same way with Islam. While jihad is part of their religion, it does not mean that Muslims are supposed to go out and kill all infidels. And there’s not exactly anything peaceful Muslims can do to stop terrorists. What did we do when Christians were bombing abortion clinics? Nothing. Not because we didn’t want to or thought killing others was wrong, but because there was nothing we could do. No one is going to say Islam is a peaceful religion, it has holy war included in its teachings. People are ignorant if they think differently. Finally, it’s not any more of a “big part” of their holy book than anything else. It’s simply in there. And there’s no need to put “holy book” in quotes. Its just as holy to them as the Bible is to Christians. Do some research next time, ya douche.
13 years ago at 8:26 amEvery book of the Bible was applicable when it was written. Leviticus, back when it was written, was a list of rules that Jews were supposed to follow. Yes, the New Testament for the most part negates a lot of what the Old Testament says. I’m not arguing that point. However, the Bible does not end with its “eye for an eye” mentality, but rather promotes peace and evangelism in the New Testament. This is opposite from the Quran, which ends with a mandate to commit violent acts against nonbelievers. And I’m also not saying that the peaceful Muslims could completely stop the violence, but by sitting back and watching it happen, they provide tacit support to the terrorists. Very rarely will you see an Islamic person standing up and publicly renouncing terrorism, even the majority of Middle Eastern (Muslim) governments will not specifically renounce terrorism. In Quetta, Pakistan, lots of Muslims rallied together to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of bin Laden. What kind of message does that send? Try to think before you tell someone to do research.
13 years ago at 9:20 amim sorry but insisting that christians dont have to follow every word of the bible but that muslims do is incredibly hypocritical and a logically flawed concept. and im not sure if there are any christians out there who spend their time trying to keep bubba and billy bob from being in the KKK.
13 years ago at 3:10 pmYep, Genesis happened. The whole thing with the talking snake and the garden and all that, truly historically happened…
13 years ago at 3:28 pm@vandal: he is not saying christians dont have to follow every word of the bible while muslims must follow every word of the quran. He is saying that Muslims only have to follow the most recent commandments, due to the fact that the Quran is to be obeyed in accordance with the concept of abrogation. That means, if chapter 1 of the Quran says to drink natty but chapter 2 says stick to bourbon only, a true Muslim better only be drinking bourbon. Since the last command the Quran gives is to kill infidels, abrogation dictates that that order be followed if one is a true Muslim, or shitbag
13 years ago at 1:27 pmTFTC
13 years ago at 11:29 amBest column ever posted on TFM.
13 years ago at 9:45 pmI feel like this milestone we’ve just reached as a Country calls for a nationwide USA chant!