Odd People On Campus: Southern Mississippi’s Underground Pizza Guy
Many campuses have an odd person who has become somewhat of a legend due to his or her strange activities. However, I doubt many of these people double as someone who will make you eat drunk food between the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m.
Chances are, when you order pizza over the phone, you’re greeted with a pre-set company line and then feigned happiness of the person who takes your order. However, if you call the Underground Pizza Guy at the University of Southern Mississippi, the person on the other line answers with an unpleasant “What?” After that lovely exchange, you order your pizza and give him your address. But, rumor has it that if you know the “secret” words, he will lace your pizza with whatever you want, unfortunately, this is still unconfirmed. If you live too far away from his delivering radius, he will ask you to meet him in a Walmart parking lot. If that doesn’t look like a drug deal, I don’t know what does. I’d almost rather be caught by the police making a drug deal than making an exchange in the back of a Walmart parking lot for a pizza.
Officer: “What are you doing at a Walmart parking lot at 3 a.m.?”
Me: “……..Buying a pizza out of this guy’s trunk. Actually, never mind, I was buying drugs. That sounds better.”
Shady as hell, right? That’s only the beginning of the Underground Pizza Guy’s shady pizza company. Whenever he rolls up to your apartment (literally rolls–he will turn his dilapidated Monte Carlo off and coast into a parking spot) you see a man who looks like he’s been alive a little too long. He has a long, crusty, white beard and long gray hair. Basically, he looks like an even more homeless version of Rob Ryan. You start to notice his appearance as he gets closer because he always has his dog with him. He also always wears an old t-shirt, cargo shorts, and (my personal favorite) socks and Crocs. When you open the door for him, you make the pizza-money exchange and he gives you your change from a wad of cash that he keeps in one of his socks.
The Underground Pizza Guy has been around for at least 30 years, and there are countless rumors to how he got started. I heard one time that he stole a pizza oven from one of the pizza chains and then started his shady pizza delivery service. I like to imagine that he stole one of the giant pizza ovens in a similar style to “Ocean’s Eleven”, but instead of famous actors, he just used people from his local bingo game.
I had the experience of seeing him in the grocery store once, where he was buying pepperoni, sausage, cheese, and other things that I just assumed were dead hooker parts in bulk. The empty look in his eyes made him seem like he was too old to still be in the pizza business and that he would rather just sit in his basement listening to Grateful Dead for the rest of his years.
Outsiders believe he may be some sort of pizza delivering wizard, like a shittier version of Gandalf. I would agree with that if it weren’t for the socks and Crocs–those make me believe he’s more likely to end up hanging out with Chris Hansen than having magical powers. Regardless, for $9 (plus a good tip, you don’t want to end up in an alley later) the Underground Pizza Guy will always be my favorite odd celebrity at Southern Miss.
You forgot to mention that for a bigger tip, he will stop and pick up just about anything else for you: cigs, drinks, McDonald’s. I’ve always heard him referred to as “Dirt.” That pizza was the shit at 4am. Long live Dirt!!!
11 years ago at 9:28 amTwist: the dog actually owns underground and enslaved a homeless guy to deliver. The prefect crime…
11 years ago at 10:35 amI go to a pretty small school but we have tree guy. He dresses up in one of those full body suits (like the green man or whatever) but it’s brown. He hides in trees and jumps out and scares the shit of of drunk girls trying to make there way home. Haven’t seen him for a semester or two. Some say he graduated, I just think he’s camouflaged a little too well.
11 years ago at 4:00 amSeriously? I am guessing you don’t have to run your articles through any kind of editor or manager before you get to post them….
Not only are you outing one of the most cherished Hattiesburg secrets, you are defaming a really great guy. Your article shows exactly how deep your thought process runs. So you think its cool to badmouth people, put their business at risk and spread rumors just to get your kicks eh?
I bet you didn’t say these things at 3am when Scott was bringing you a pizza so your drunk ass didn’t have to get out on the road and kill someone. Then he was the coolest guy ever and you probably bragged about how your frat buddy gave you his number and how you can call him any time, right before your date for the night passed out and you attempted to cop a feel between her periodic yakking in the toilet.
A $9 large pizza, with whatever you want on it, delivered and the option of him swinging by the store and grabbing you more beer, smokes, or whatever you need to keep you from leaving your house drunk…
and you compared him to a drug dealer. If it weren’t for this guy there would be an accelerated rate of wrecks from dumb shits like you trying to make it to Taco Bell 4 blocks away.
As far as him lacing a pizza, I have bought pizza from him for around 20 years. I lived across the street from him for 2 years. Never once has he offered to do such a thing, nor have I asked. Of course maybe you speak from a different experience, were I making your pizza after meeting you the first time I imagine I would add a little secret sauce as well. You probably didn’t tip because your mom and dad had yet to put your allowance in your account.
Now on to his dressing style. That’s awfully sweet of you to give so much attention to his appearance. It is obvious you have spent more time than most gazing at him late at night. It is particularly proper of you to show everyone that you pass judgement on people high up there from your pedestal. My goodness! How dare he wear a Grateful Dead shirt, shorts, socks and Crocs! And he doesn’t look like the people you hang out with! Well princess, tell us…what clothes would you pick out when a bunch of drunk guys call you at 3am and ask you to come over?
That empty look in his eyes that you noticed while he was shopping for the stock he needed to keep his business running was not empty at all. Very likely he was making a point to avoid any verbal or non verbal communication with you, thus a blank stare. That’s assuming he even noticed you. He doesn’t really hang out with obnoxious, self centered, egotistical pricks like you. Your probably just mad because he didn’t recognize you. Of course at 3am all drunk frat boys look the same.
The use of the term “Outsiders” in your last paragraph pretty much sums up your view on society. Thanks for letting us know how privileged you feel and really nailing home exactly how far up in the air your nose is turned. I do have bad news though. “They” were never the “Outsiders”. You were…
Writing crappy articles may make you feel powerful when your reading them to yourself. Maybe next time run them past some “outsider”, a down to earth individual who can tell you that you just sound like a prick. That way you don’t have to worry about some editor somewhere dragging up one of your old articles and gaining too much insight into exactly how shallow and petty you really are.
Enjoy Kentucky…please take roots and stay there!
11 years ago at 9:11 am