Is A Phoenix A Terrible Mascot Because It Sounds Too Much Like Penises When Pluralized?

Socrates Johnson8 years ago

As experts in the field of mascot ranking (dont @ me, cucks), we here at TFM understand the importance of having a solid ‘scot. Being able to proudly rally behind your school’s cartoonish representative is just as crucial as having a good stadium or as having a stacked recruiting class or as having a strength coach that doesn’t get knocked out on the sidelines.

But recent rumblings at Farmington High School in Utah caused us to engage in some serious mascot-based reflection after resident Kyle Fraughton filed a petition to change the proposed mascot name of “The Phoenix,” citing dick joke concerns.

From The Salt Lake Tribune:

When pluralized, Fraughton said, the mascot would sound like “penises” and invite mockery of the school’s students.

“I looked on Google and a couple hits down I saw that the plural of phoenix was either phoenixes or phoenices,” Fraughton said. “I have no interest in my daughter or my son playing sports and getting referred to as something like a penis.”

You’d think this would be an easy fix, right? Just have Phoenix stay singular. Ha, good luck telling that to Kyle.

In a prepared statement, Farmington High School Principal Richard Swanson says the word would remain singular and not pluralized.

“We are one,” Swanson said. “We are The Phoenix.”

But Fraughton said the school’s official stance on a singular phoenix will mean little to rival students at athletics events.

He said he spoke to some of his neighbors about the issue, and they quickly devised crude cheers that could be employed at the expense of Farmington High School students.

“We’re a bunch of grown adults sitting around talking about phoenices and how funny that is,” Fraughton said.

Kyle does make a good point. Though some might say that he’s being anal by vigorously inserting himself into such a seemingly small situation, no one wants to be the butt of a penis joke. There are plenty of immature high school kids out there who will stop at nothing at making tasteless jokes in exchange for a few cheap laughs. Sad!

But since we’re all about having discussions that truly matter, let’s maybe consider the merits of being known as The Penises. For one, your team has pretty much zero pressure to perform. If you lose, of course you did, you’re the Farmington High Penises (“No, we’re not. We’re The Phoenixes.” “Shut up, nerd.”). But if you win, that team you beat has to hang its head in shame because they just got donged.

If a school’s fanbase can fully bask in the absurdity of its own unfortunate sounding name, just think about the possibilities. I’m talking going all out. Name your mascot Dick. Have his costume be all flesh colored, throw in some veins (maybe give him some wings to keep the whole Phoenix charade going). The Tomahawk Chop? That’s old news, pal. The stadium-wide Crotch Chop is about to be more popular than The Wave. It’s like B-Rabbit’s battle against Papa Doc at the end of 8 Mile. “Here, tell these people something they don’t know about me.”

Officially, you’re The Phoenixes. But in the hearts and minds of everyone, you’re The Penises. That’s a power no one wants to fuck with.

Fast forward to the [insert sport here] State Championship. Like a fully erect phoenix rising from the ashes, the team comes back with seconds remaining to steal the victory. Add another trophy to the trophy case and another banner to the auditorium. And the crowd goes wild with chants of, “We are one. We are The Penis.” .

[via The Salt Lake Tribune]

Image via Pixabay