Police Apprehend the Most Heinous, Most Dedicated Fetishist of All Time
Luke Chrisco, a 31-year old Colorado man, pleaded not guilty on Friday to 8 felony counts of 2nd-degree burglary, as well as 2 misdemeanor counts of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy.
The charges stem from a 2011 Boulder Yoga festival where a woman stepped inside a porta-potty and discovered something lurking in the deep, dark depths below. She immediately ran outside of the toilet to seek assistance from a nearby security guard. Moments later, a tall, fecal-stained man emerged from the toilet with cuts on his body and wearing nothing but a pair of ragged sweatpants.
Can you imagine the amount of butterscotch-colored diarrhea that seeped into his open flesh wounds?
Chrisco immediately fled the scene and the security guard did not pursue – probably because he makes $12/hour, which is nowhere near enough to wrestle someone to the ground who is covered from head to toe in Hepatitis C.
Now, before we continue, let me set the scene: some creepy drifter is resting knee-deep in floaters and shit-water – with his fist squirming around in his underpants – waiting for some unsuspecting coed to evacuate her colon on his forehead.
I’m gonna need some more Cialis.
Chrisco was apprehended about a week later and told police about some additional favorite peeping spots in Boulder, including a Target, a number of restaurants, and the Department of Motor Vehicles.
His gastrointestinal fetish must control his life. Dude can’t even renew his plates without having to rub out to someone dropping heat at the DMV. Poor fella.
Luke, I respect your commitment, but these are some serious charges you are racking up. If you beat this wrap, you should probably cool it on the felonious activity.
I’m sure you can find some teenage runaway on Craigslist to empty a colostomy bag on your head. Or if that doesn’t get your rocks off, maybe you can get her to pop a handful of stool-softeners and treat your chest like a Jackson Pollock canvas. I mean, the most you’re gonna get from that is a misdemeanor soliciting charge – oh yeah, and some serious infectious diseases, but you’re probably cool with that. It certainly beats 8 felony counts.
But, who knows? Maybe it’s the thrill of the act, that is spying on some chick as she turtles out what’s left of a cobb salad, that lifts Luke’s crane. To each his own, I guess.
Whatever the case – we’re pulling for you Luke.
- [via The Huffington Post]
Sounds like a shitty situation to me.
12 years ago at 3:11 pmPerhaps he was down there peeing upwards towards their butts.
12 years ago at 3:15 pmDidn’t somebody write about this a year ago?
12 years ago at 3:55 pm“pleaded not guilty” ?
12 years ago at 5:32 pmYes, that’s right. It’s not “pled.”
Welcome to high school English.
12 years ago at 5:36 pmI’m not saying it isn’t grammatically correct, its just a weird way to say it. It sounds infinitely better to use a verb then “to plead”. He chose to plead, he decided to plead, etc. Welcome to the real world.
12 years ago at 7:21 pmIt also sounds better to use the correct version of “than” you fucking pube. Welcome to the real world.
12 years ago at 1:04 amI did you idiot. Take laps until you die inbred. Welcome to the thunderdome, bitch.
12 years ago at 12:51 pmThat last comment really just took this to the next level. You got my vote, FLW.
12 years ago at 2:32 pmDamn, that got intense real fast.
12 years ago at 6:14 pmGoddammit. I was drunk last night. I’ll take my laps, but nevertheless, fuck you for writing a poor sentence.
12 years ago at 8:47 pmDamn. I shop at the Target they’re talking about.
12 years ago at 8:56 pmI’m still not quite sure why people are into the pooping fetish thing… I mean it feels good to poop when you really gottta, but I can’t see how that translates sexually to enjoying watching others poop, or getting pooped on or something… I guess I’ll never know.
12 years ago at 9:42 pmfascinating
12 years ago at 9:45 pmRELEASE THE BUTT PEE PICTURE!
12 years ago at 1:16 amHe must be trying to relive his days in ΣΑΕ, I hear their Dartmouth chapter has a bit of a fetish similar to this guy’s.
12 years ago at 6:39 amI think you meant PIKE. Lace em champ.
12 years ago at 7:35 am^Completely missed the reference. Go ahead and sit this one out
12 years ago at 12:00 pmThe Jackson Pollock joke was pretty witty– I bet over 95% of the people on this site had no idea who he is, so it may have been a bit wasted though…
12 years ago at 9:23 amHe’s a singer right?
12 years ago at 9:35 amWait he’s a stand-up comedian right?
12 years ago at 11:35 aman old old wooden ship?
12 years ago at 11:43 amI think he deals drugs
12 years ago at 12:00 pmNo, they made a jackson pollock reference on entourage once – unfortunately, I think there’s a pretty significant crossover market.
12 years ago at 2:33 pmWasn’t he a painter in france?
12 years ago at 5:42 amThey need to start doing chasers for this shit because I’m not getting a boner for the next week now
12 years ago at 11:34 amGirls don’t poop.
12 years ago at 11:16 am