PornHub Offers To Help Ole Miss QB Chad Kelly Pick Up Women Since He Is Completely Awful At It

Karl Karlson8 years ago

Ole Miss quarterback and DM guerrilla Chad “Swag” Kelly hasn’t had a good week. Following his triumphant return to Twitter and second failed attempt to slide into former porn star (and noted Back Door Cover podcast guest) Mia Khalifa’s private messages…

his Rebels were edged out by SEC rival Arkansas 34-30. Our guy Chad is creeping close to rock bottom but, luckily, he has friends in low places. Enter fap factory and philanthropic juggernaut PornHub. Those patron saints of slap and tickle are once again opening their arms and legs to an internet sensation.

This is what it’s all about – just people helping people. Chad might be a starting SEC QB but it’s pretty clear that the guy needs a helping hand with the ladies. It’s probably because his opening line is “hey, I’m a starting SEC quarterback,” and his second is “love me you whore or I’ll murder your fucking family with my AK!”

The good folks at the Hub are just trying to help Swag out. Send him out for a nice night on the town (limo included) with a nubile young starlet and let him work out the kinks in his game. It’s the same principle as a coach sending you to the basketball court to work on your hand-eye coordination. The only difference is you’re dealing with bigger balloons and a lot less eye contact. You’d think that he has to take PornHub up on their offer for the sake of a great montage alone.

Chad: I like your boobs. Do you like football.

Porn Star: *finger wave* No, no, no. Don’t start off by talking about work. Always say “hello” first.

I’d pay money to watch a few minutes of that; a few minutes are all it ever takes me to finish anyway.

Look, Chad. It’s pretty clear that you’re a hot-tempered guy. That might explain your desire to beat the living shit out of 16 year-olds at varsity football games as well as your clear inability to tame some strange. Take Mr. Price up on his offer and relax a little bit. A couple glasses of wine, some good conversation, and any resulting stress relief will only improve your life. Whether or not the NCAA has a problem with it, you’re looking at some positive press for the first time in your playing career. Don’t be a square, Swag. Go out and start making better life choices, one compensated date at a time. If nothing else, it’ll prepare you for the post-football career of ending up on a future season of The Bachelorette.

Image via YouTube