Power Ranking The Best Drinking Holidays

cultured_cunt8 years ago

I, like the rest of you, will seek out any and all excuses to have a brew or two with the merry band of functioning alcoholics that I enthusiastically call friends. But there are some days that stand out from your typical Friday or Saturday night that need to be properly celebrated. Leading up to these days, there is oft an excitement in the air that is tangible. Your body begs you to push it to the limit when the day finally comes, and you are more than happy to oblige. Here is my power ranking of these most distinguished days.

10. The Olympics

Technically not a holiday, but has that stopped you before? Certainly not. There’s just something about getting blackout drunk while watching the best athletes the world has to offer compete against one another that makes me feel good about myself. Throw in the fact that the US dominates the medal count every Olympics and I’m more than ready to crush American flag themed Bud Heavies for two weeks straight.

9. Thanksgiving Eve

Again, not a legitimate holiday, but that’s beside the point. Thanksgiving Eve offers you the chance to hit your hometown bars in hopes of finally sealing the deal with your long-time high school crush who was, and still is, clearly out of your league. When you eventually come to the following day in your own bed, suffocated by the unmistakable stench of late night McDonald’s and bitter self-loathing in the air, be thankful that by the time your hangover wears off, you’ll be able to eat away your sorrows.

8. Christmas

Christmas is the sweet spot of winter break. You’ve settled into your hometown routine by now and are still clinging to the belief that you “pulled it together” enough on your finals to not fail out of school. This most sacred day will almost certainly entail a cooler full of your dad’s and uncles’ favorite “respectable” beers and not the “pisswater” you usually slug down without a second thought. Take advantage of this and be sure to indulge a bit.

7. Labor Day

It’s about damn time you were formally recognized by the US government for toiling away trying to look busy in your air-conditioned finance internship the past 3 months. Labor Day marks the end of the summer season and the inevitable end of any summer romances you were desperately trying to hide from all the girls at school. It offers a chance to day drink in the last few warm days you’ll have before the Caribbean cruise your dad has lined up for New Year’s Eve. Savor these fleeting moments of another summer passed and celebrate accordingly.

6. Mardi Gras

What a convenient excuse to crush margs on the holiest Tequila Tuesday of the year. The entire city of New Orleans collectively loses its mind on this day while encouraging women to flash their sweater puppies in exchange for plastic beads. Need I say more?

5. Halloween

Halloween is a special one. As you grow older, it transitions from an innocent night strolling the block in search of candy to a weekend of unadulterated sex-fueled debauchery, with ladies trying to outdo each other while still believing the lie they tell themselves about how they’re just getting into the “holiday spirit.” But hell, who am I to judge? A finer, often overlooked aspect of Halloween is the “eyes wide shut” anonymity of it all. Like a masquerade ball, the inherent disassociation allows for people to cut loose in a way that they normally never would and always makes for an interesting night.

4. New Year’s Eve

The end of another calendar year. Maybe you accomplished a lot this year and are looking to celebrate. Maybe you are enjoying one final night of uninhibited recklessness before you join the gym for a week in your feeble attempt at that “new year, new me” nonsense. Either way, one thing is for certain: you’re going to get completely trashed and start off the next year on the right foot: with a debilitating hangover unsure of where you are and how you got there.

3. Cinco De Mayo

Cinco de Mayo is a bit of a blessing and a curse. It signals both the end of another successful spring semester and, unfortunately, the foreboding sense of rapidly approaching finals. There is no better way to address this impending doom than to drink until you forget about your problems. Leave the sombrero at home though, you moron.

2. Super Bowl Sunday

The fact that this is NOT a national holiday thoroughly upsets me. If Uncle Donny truly wants to Make America Great Again, he must make the Super Bowl and the following Monday national holidays — but I digress. Super Bowl Sunday marks the season’s end for the best sports league in the world, meaning the only thing that has kept you from the full-blown Sunday Scaries for the past 5 months is soon to be gone. Enjoy this one, because you won’t have another Sunday this entertaining until The Masters.

1. 4th of July

Independence Day is unquestionably the greatest drinking day on the calendar. If you’re not a fan of grilled meats, cold beers, and getting your hands on enough fireworks to set the sun on the British Empire, I don’t want to be associated with you in any way. The 4th of July offers us all a chance to pay homage to the Founding Fathers by pursuing happiness however we see fit. In this case, it just so happens to be drinking enough to kill a horse while wearing jorts and an American flag T-shirt, all while blasting “Born in the USA” in the background. Can’t wait..