Power Ranking The Races

Alex Buscemi9 years ago

10. Pinewood Derby

The Pinewood Derby is probably the only thing you remember from Cub Scouts (without the help of a therapist digging into your repressed memories, that is). It was bullshit. You spent all this time painting your car and carving it into the perfect aerodynamic shape and making it look cool as fuck, only for some kid with a block of wood he cut diagonally sweep the competition.

9. Tour de France

I hate tools on bicycles. Riding around in their Spandex and their penis-shaped helmets, rubbing our noses in their “eco-consciousness.” Get off the road or eat Hummer, bitch. Also, those dickbags who run the Tour robbed Lance Armstrong of his titles. Who gives a fuck if he took steroids? The man had cancer in his lungs and brain. He lost a nut for Christ’s sake.

8. Marathons

Only slightly better than bike races because running also sucks. Why don’t you people just donate the money to AIDS research or diabetes or whatever without blocking off half the city and making me late to work? I hope your nipples chafe so bad you lactate blood for months. Also, isn’t a footrace for Multiple Sclerosis kind of rubbing it in?

7. Iditarod

Now we’re getting into the cool races. For those of you who don’t know, the Iditarod is a 1,049-mile dogsled race across Alaska. Looks cold as balls.

6. Daytona 500

NASCAR is alright. It’d be fun to get hammered with all the rednecks in the bleachers, but the race itself is kinda boring to watch. It is pretty much the only sport in America where you can see an “athlete” be grievously wounded, though. The possibility of someone colliding into a wall or Tony Stewart snapping and running someone over almost makes watching a bunch of hicks turn left for five hours worth it. Almost.

Click on the next page to reveal our 5th through 1st ranked races.