Power Ranking The Races
9 years ago

5. Kentucky Derby

shutterstock_96722374

Gambling? Pastels? Getting sropped on mint juleps? I’m all in on the Kentucky Derby. Now if only that bitch in front of me would take off her big-ass hat so I can see if Applejack wins the race or snaps a leg and gets carted off to the slaughterhouse where he’ll be turned into Taco Bell.

4. Ookie Cookie (AKA Limp Biscuit)

shutterstock_256220791

You know the game. Is the best part of college not gathering ‘round a laptop with your bros for some hardcore porn, just tugging away onto a fresh Bojangles’ biscuit? Is there anything that makes you feel more alive? When it comes to Ookie Cookie, everyone’s a winner… unless you finish last.

3. Presidential Races

shutterstock_372527005

Presidential races are pretty dope. Everyone gets real excited and pissed off at each other online for a few months. Then they don’t even vote. It’s entertaining to watch.

2. Keg Races

shutterstock_313167929

Ah, the keg race. The true test of a man’s worth. You better pull your weight, otherwise the rival fraternity or all the kids in your fraternity from the other side of the Mason-Dixon are going to win. Stick your finger down your throat and make some room if you have to.

1. Whites

shutterstock_131070011

shutterstock_413604871

giphy (3)

giphy (4)

giphy (5)

giphy (7)

shutterstock_115791016

Images via Shutterstock, Giphy

Pages: 1 2 3
  3. Jonah_Chill

    I read the headline before the image loaded…was interested in seeing where you were going to go with that

    9 years ago at 11:55 am
    1. Keep It Buttery

      If by “sense of humor” you mean “racist agenda,” maybe! I’m telling the police!

      9 years ago at 1:26 pm
      1. SmallCollegeGuy

        People read an entire satire article and then this comment just goes right over there heads…

        9 years ago at 2:53 pm
      4. Keep It Buttery

        I’m going to create 45 separate accounts and make this the biggest comment comeback of all time. Brb.

        9 years ago at 3:32 pm
    2. Fratrick Henry III

      Boosh is the only thing keeping Grandex afloat, because lord knows little Suzy isn’t pumping out any worthwhile content.

      9 years ago at 7:20 am
    1. Bush Light

      Also, the fucking wedge-shaped car was the best car you could make, with a wide wheel base. That is, until the communists there made regulations and had thorough inspections (you bet your bottom dollar though that we still put a little extra graphite on those axles.)

      9 years ago at 12:15 pm
    2. House of Paign

      I’m sure no one ever drilled holes in the bottom, inserted lead weights, then painted over so it looked like the wood was untouched. No one at all.

      9 years ago at 12:08 am
      1. GeedsAreRuiningAmerica

        That’s literally how you do it. The Boy Scout office sold the lead weights.

        9 years ago at 11:15 am
      2. House of Paign

        So that’s why so many kids were doing it. All this time I thought my friends and I were being sneaky.

        9 years ago at 4:25 pm
    1. Bush Light

      I’d love to see them post a huge op-ed about this and how TFM is racist, only to be told to read the fucking article first.

      9 years ago at 12:12 pm
    1. bourboncountry

      I didnt get to the top five before posting this…you can still go fuck yourself though.

      9 years ago at 12:21 pm