Presidents’ Day Debauchery
14 years ago

Didn’t give us Presidents’ Day off? Well, fuck you. I’m taking the day off anyway. I will honor our country’s leaders by getting blackout, the way our founding fathers would’ve wanted it. Because I am omniscient, I will tell you exactly how tomorrow will go down.

8 a.m. I’m asleep. What the fuck else would I be doing this early? The answer is golfing, but we’ll do that this afternoon.

10 a.m. Breakfast and mimosas on the patio of a favorite day-drinking spot with some sorosties. Have to make sure these girls start getting loose early, so tonight will be like taking candy from a sexy Helen Keller.

11:00 a.m. Drinks at the golf course.

11:30 a.m. Tee off on the 1st hole after shotgunning a beer with three pledge brothers. Crank that shit right down the middle of the fairway. Power draw.

12:30 p.m. Some GDI brought his dikish wife to the links, and has the stones to take his sweet ass time. Fuck that noise. I’m firing the R11 until one of them is dead, or they throw in the towel and get the fuck off my course.

12:35 pm. The course marshal politely apologizes to our foursome for the slow play of the two slapdicks in front of us. At this point we are ready to rage, and it’s past 12:00, so we break out the whiskey.

2:00 p.m. I’ve flipped our cart twice, and I’m pretty sure my PB has a broken arm as a result. Our clubs are fine though; pledge caddies are walking with them.

4:00 p.m. I’m repeatedly slapping the pledge that’s taxiing us back to the frat castle. If you can’t safely drive while being bitch slapped every three seconds, then you don’t deserve to have my tremendously important life in your hands.

6:00 p.m. Blackout nap. Just kidding, rail some Adderall and start breaking things at the house.

8:00 p.m. Meet up with a bunch of slams and start pre-gaming for a night on the town. They repeatedly ask if I’m ok, because I’m grinding my teeth and talking nonstop. I tell them each to make me a sandwich.

12:00 p.m. Sloppily making out with a smoking hot sandwich artist at the bar.

1:30 a.m. Kicked out of the bar for being FaF.

3:00 a.m. Take candy from a sexy Helen Keller.

  2. Teddy Fratervelt

    This site goes down sometime, but things like this bring it right back up. FaF brother

    14 years ago at 11:40 am
  3. Bye Bye GDI

    While this is unarguably FAF, I wouldn’t allow anyone to bitch slap me at all, regardless if it’s a brother and I’m a pledge, which I’m not, without kicking their ass for doing so.

    14 years ago at 12:02 pm
    1. Pawleys Island

      Obviously a geed. If a pledge even threatened to hit a brother he’d be black balled in minutes…

      14 years ago at 2:46 pm
    2. Bye Bye GDI

      To start off, I am not a geed. It’s not even a matter of being in a fraternity, it’s a matter of self respect, and my line is drawn at people, regardless of affiliation, putting their hands on me.

      14 years ago at 4:54 pm
    3. 1848bigEAST

      you must have had a weak pledge process… im not saying i got beat in to my fraternity but to say that your a brother of a fraternity and a brother NEVER put a hand on you during any of the line-ups, day-to-day activities, or hell week… i dunno sounds like a cakewalk

      14 years ago at 6:57 pm
  4. PursuitOfFratiness

    as long as your titleists aren’t fucked up from rolling the cart, i say FaF

    14 years ago at 1:11 pm
  5. FraturdayNightLights

    you clearly spent way too much time typing this up and not enough time Drinking.

    14 years ago at 3:28 pm
    1. FRATrick Ewing

      I’m glad you failed to capitalize the first word of the sentence and instead capitalized Drinking. Frat on sir.

      14 years ago at 6:18 pm
    1. Next In Line

      “…I will tell you exactly how tomorrow will go down.”
      Pay attention to what you read. This hadn’t happened yet at the time it was written.

      14 years ago at 10:11 pm
  10. Fratasaurus

    FAF.. except I don’t think our founding fathers would want us to be getting blackout since most of them believed in the Protestant work ethic

    14 years ago at 6:36 pm
    1. fratanomics

      That’s why they threw a total rager when they were signing the constitution. 55 signers plowed through this list of alcohol over 2 days:

      54 bottles of Madeira
      60 bottles of claret
      8 bottles of whiskey
      22 bottles of porter
      8 bottles of hard cider
      12 bottles of beer
      7 bowls of alcoholic punch

      To make it even better, the bar they threw the party at added damages to the final bill. That’s right, the Founding Fathers raged so hard they broke the bar.

      14 years ago at 10:24 am