Sexual Inner Monologue
Sex is great, obviously. The mind is constantly preoccupied with it. Most of the day is usually spent fantasizing about sex, even if it’s subconsciously. I’ve read an official sounding scientific article that claimed sex crosses our minds every 7 seconds. That was literally the extent of my research, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. Sex is constantly on our minds. It can’t be denied. But what’s on our minds when we finally get that glorious opportunity for some rough ball slappin’ sexy time? I don’t know about you, but these are some of things that have crossed my mind over the course of intercourse.
My Sexual Inner Monologue
“What are these… C- Cups?”
“Shiiiiit I’m drunk.”
“Wait… where am I?”
“Did I remember to put on a condom? Well, I remembered to SAY I did.”
“Did my roommates just get home? I better start pounding harder. They’ll want to hear this.”
“I’m starving. This bitch better make me a sandwich when I’m done.”
“I wanna slam one of those Glee chicks. I’m tired of these shrieking orgasms. HARMONIZE BITCH.”
“I should have gotten her friend’s number. I’ll steal it from her phone later.”
“Jesus, that smells horrendous. Don’t show any signs of fear.”
“9 minutes and counting. Thank God for the whiskey.”
“She says she’s 18. I’ll take her word for it, carding is such a cockblock.”
“I can’t believe I’m missing the GOP debate for this mediocre sex.”
“Those stuffed animals are so gay.”
“If I feel teeth one more time, she is walking home tomorrow.”
“Oh no, I have to shit! Fight it! Fight it, Damnit!”
“Her phone is ringing… probably her boyfriend. ‘Hey I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m getting railed by a stranger. Leave a message!’ ”
“Landing strip, nice.”
“I want to put it in her butt, but I don’t want shit dick. Note to self, install bidet.”
“I’m not sure if I’m about to sneeze or if my cock’s about to sneeze.”
“This one’s too smart. I don’t like it when they’re not confused. Switching to a British accent.”
“Oh hell yeah there’s a mirror over there.”
“Fuck you, cat! Get the fuck away from me!”
“I wonder how many dudes have been inside her before me… Ah, whatever.”
“I’m gonna need a weed whacker to get through this jungle. Good thing I literally have a weed whacker in the back of my truck.”
“I feel bad for this girl’s dad.”
“I’d like to fuck this girl’s mom.”
“Shhh… No words… I prefer it if you don’t have a personality.”
“Is she faking it? Do I care? No.”
“These pigtails are kinda like reigns. YeeeeHaaaw!”
“It’s so dark I can’t see anything… probably better that way.”
“What a stupid tramp stamp… I should draw a better one.”
“I wonder if I can reach my beer.”
“Whoaa, that feels TOO good.”
“We are at Defcon 1, Battlestations!”
“A few more thrusts and then I bust. Ah Ahh Ahhh AAHHH”
“AAAHHHRRGgarrrrgabblegaaa”
“I wonder if my post climax evil cackle creeps her out… I hope so.”
What the Lucky Girl is Thinking
Something about her cat maybe? Who the fuck cares.
So that’s what runs through my mind. Let me hear what you think in the comments, so that I can think them too…
Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory
“Shit I did forget to put a rubber on…. looks like i’ll have to go to plan B”
13 years ago at 3:43 pm“I hope she doesn’t remember my address.”
13 years ago at 3:47 pm“What was her name again? Ah, fuck it, ill go with Sabrina.”
13 years ago at 7:17 pmWaiting until she’s ready. RFM.
13 years ago at 3:47 pmShe’s always ready for me. TFM.
13 years ago at 4:00 pm^this
13 years ago at 4:09 pmSix no’s and a maybe means yes.TFM
13 years ago at 4:15 pmNo means yes, and yes means anal.
13 years ago at 10:35 pm“So when should I tell her I have AIDS?…… Oh fuck it, she’ll find out eventually.”
13 years ago at 3:55 pmThe Rodeo. Do her doggie style then whisper in her ear that you have AIDS and see how long you can hang on.
13 years ago at 4:07 pmdamn
13 years ago at 4:09 pm^^the rodeo. That’s fuckin funny
13 years ago at 4:13 pm^^^ Holy fucking this.
13 years ago at 9:45 amI was under the impression that the rodeo is executed by doing her doggie style and whispering in her ear that her sister was better.
13 years ago at 1:25 amI was under the impression that I came before E. Regardless say whatever the fuck will make her squirm the most. I was being topical.
13 years ago at 5:57 pmThis is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever read.
13 years ago at 3:57 pmOh my God. The comments are just as bad as this column.
13 years ago at 4:04 pmSeeing the new thumbnail and getting excited for Fail Friday only to get this shit is probably the feeling RageTheory had when he flipped on the lights to see the horse-face he was balls-deep in.
13 years ago at 4:07 pmIs this Fail Friday?
13 years ago at 4:11 pmHey intern. Where the fuck I fail Friday?!
13 years ago at 4:11 pmRight here…
13 years ago at 4:24 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4VbOHvaPRc
13 years ago at 4:18 pm“Landing strip, nice.”
Pubic hair. TBarbarianM.
13 years ago at 4:23 pmEvery chick shaves. Seeing Buckwheat in a leg-lock is like a welcomed change of pace that you’ll actually remember the next day.
13 years ago at 4:42 pmEvery chick shaves because no one likes flossing their teeth in bed.
I’m just not into the whole GEICO experience, no matter the maintenance.
13 years ago at 5:05 pmwho said anything about maintenance?
13 years ago at 6:25 pmBy that, I meant that any pubic hair for me is bad, not just cavemen-esque levels. Maintenance was the first word that came to mind.
13 years ago at 6:35 pmI know what you meant, dude. Just egging it on.
I’m stealing the “GEICO experience”. haha
13 years ago at 6:40 pm