Raider Nation Doesn’t Stand A Chance, NFL-Themed Brothel In The Works For Team’s Move To Vegas

Dan Regester9 years ago

I’m going to miss “The Black Hole.” It was one of the few truly intimate home field advantages left in professional sports as we’re transitioning into an age of billion dollar corporate cathedrals focused on “premier” dining and endless entertainment to distract you from the actual reason you’re at these monstrosities in the first place. Knowing that Oakland Alameda Coliseum could crumble to dust any point since it’s being held together by silly putty and paper clips or that just about every fan in silver and black has served two to five hard time in the clink is a mental edge that was uniquely Raider Nation. Nowhere else in the NFL could a return man break free with nothing but daylight ahead of him only to trip over second base from an earlier Athletic’s game and settle for decent field position instead of six. Take it in while you can, we only have three more years — max — of that always aesthetically appeasing baseball diamond/football hash marks combo.

As much as I feel for the city’s fanbase — losing both the Raiders and Warriors over the next couple seasons — I’m terrified for the guys strapping on the shoulder pads without the dog spikes. Prime of their careers, a decent amount of coin rattling around in their pockets, and now permanent residence in a place that could ruin you with one roll of the dice? They don’t stand a chance.

Don’t get me wrong, Vegas is my Mecca. It’s the unholy land that I donate my money to and whose words I blindly follow. But to actually live there for more than 4 days? To be a stone’s throw away from the blackjack tables and sportsbooks and nightclubs and all-you-can-eat buffets? That…that could break even the strongest of men. Oh, and let’s not forget the whore houses. Yes, prostitution isn’t legal in city limits, but just about every surrounding county has plenty of bunny ranch options. And with the Raiders move to Vegas, of course someone is already planning to build a team-themed brothel with player discounts.

From The Washington Post:

Dennis Hof, who owns several bordellos in the state and has been featured on HBO’s “Cathouse,” announced plans to open a Raiders-themed brothel timed to coincide with the opening of the team’s new stadium, a 65,000-seat facility that is scheduled to be ready for the 2020 season.

In a statement, Hof said his newest “sex palace will be called the ‘Pirate’s Booty Sports Brothel” and will be “the first brothel entirely dedicated to athletes and their die-hard fans.” Hof had previously announced that his two brothels located relatively near Las Vegas would “offer all Raiders players and staff 50 percent off sex parties,” but he said the new establishment would have a “VIP section … exclusively available to Raiders players and other high-profile athletes, and staffed with over 20 cheerleader-garbed working girls.”

Sure, the Michael Crabtrees or Khalil Macks of the world aren’t going to be hurting from a bye week bender in the desert, but those 3rd string guys and young bloods on rookie deals? Those poor sons of bitches? There’s going to be some desperate mofos by end of training camp slinging stolen merch from team facilities on the side of the Strip or driving Lyft as a side hustle. I’m looking forward to that ride from Connor Cook Las Vegas Super Bowl weekend in a few years.

50 percent off sex parties could be huge for locker room chemistry, though. If Derek Carr really wants to be an elite franchise quarterback, he should put all that “God” stuff aside and work on getting his timing down with his receiving corps. Easy way to win over your O-line, too. A team that finishes together, wins together. And like good ol’ Al Davis used to say, “Just win, baby.”.

[via The Washington Post]

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