Random and Irrational Thoughts About the Braves’ Wild Card Game Today
Today marks a new era in the Major League Baseball postseason. For the first time ever an extra wild card team has been added to both leagues, and for the two wild cards to move on they will have to face each other in a one game, do or die playoff. Exciting, right? Sure, in a “it’s pretty much the stupidest fucking thing ever” sort of way. Am I against an extra wild card team? No. Should a playoff “series” be one game? NO. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! Do you know how often baseball teams play each other just once over the course of the year? Literally never. But yeah, sure it makes sense for the playoffs! Fuck it!
Being a die hard Atlanta Braves fan, that makes this whole ordeal especially frustrating. Combine the fact that my beloved Braves are facing the St. Louis Cardinals, the team for which 90% of my friends root for, and I’ve got one really REALLY annoying and anxious day ahead of me. I get nervous before any big game, but the heightened pressure and the fact that I will face endless, merciless ridicule if they lose, has me about ten notches higher than I normally would be. A lot of things are running through me head. These are it.
This one game playoff CANNOT be how Chipper Jones goes out.
I will literally run downstairs to the pediatrician’s office below us and sacrifice a small child to Cthulhu to make sure that this isn’t how Chipper Jones goes out.
I’ve got a bejeweled dagger and all the appropriate herbs prepared, I swear to God.
I’m only talking to my Mizzou friends from Kansas City today.
In fact, on the last day of the season last year I got texts from over 50 different people about the Braves collapse. I’m turning off my phone. If a relative dies I’m not finding out until tomorrow. Fuck it.
I hate my friends.
I should start drinking now.
G&Ts before lunch, Scotch after. You’re not an alcoholic if you NEED it right? Oh, you’re more of one? Fuck it.
I hate this play in game (should be a three game series). I’d wish Alzheimer’s on Bud Selig but I think he already has it, because he forgot how baseball works.
It’s been several hours and I still haven’t tired of listening to the Tomahawk Chop.
Regardless of what happens today I’ll be blackout by 9pm. Of this much I am sure.
But for the sake of everyone I’m with I REALLY hope it’s a happy blackout. The angriest I’ve ever gotten at a girlfriend was when one kept interrupting me for extended periods of time during Game 2 of the 2010 NLDS to get my opinion on a gameday outfit she was making. She got mad when I didn’t respond. NOW IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME WOMAN! GAHHHHHHH! Horrible fight. Rick Ankiel saved our relationship later that night.
I refuse to watch this game on the same TV (the office TV) that I watched the Mizzou-Norfolk State game on. This TV is cursed. Oh yeah, I’m leaving early today guys.
I fully realize that nothing I do has any effect on this game whatsoever.
I will still sacrifice that child. (*readies herbs and dagger*)
A short list of things I would endure to ensure a Braves victory today
– A Mizzou loss to Vandy tomorrow
– A full force Greg Zuerlein kick to the scrotum
– A curable STD
– This column bombing
– Butt chugging Franzia
– A prostate exam from Nosferatu
– Running craft services on the set of an obese, adult baby fetish porno. Nothing but Gerber, lollipops, and the absence of shame.
– Trading knees with Chipper Jones
– Thirty minutes of a crucifixion
– Listening to a group of Native American activists complain about the team name “Braves.”
I’m desperately trying to remember the deal I made with God during the 1996 NLCS to figure out exactly how much of the Braves’ future success against the Cardinals I mortgaged for that series win. Goddammit, the little kid version of had NO concept of future. That bastard nearly blinded me with all the masturbation.
Just realized that if Atlanta loses today I’ll have watched my favorite Mizzou basketball seniors AND my favorite baseball player ever bow out of the post season after one game. Yeah that can’t happen. (*finishes glass of scotch, sneaks downstairs to find a child*)
If the Braves win I’m going to spend WAY too much money tonight.
If the Braves lose I’m going to spend WAY too much money tonight. But only on Astros fans… Rangers fans can join too, but only if they lose.
I’m probably going to do the chop alone in my house while watching the game.
I’d rather have one of my roommates walk in on me jacking it that catch me chopping alone.
All the children escaped, so I caught the peacock that lives outside our office instead.
Go Braves
(*burns herbs, raises dagger*) To the dark lord Cthulhu I offer this magnificent bird…
This is Why We Chop Get ’em Bravos! Medlen will accept the sacrificial bird and give the Braves, and Chipper the win we all know we’ve been waiting for
12 years ago at 2:42 pmWe all remember how that 2010 NLDS went…
12 years ago at 2:42 pm^
12 years ago at 3:27 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Mr7mQuGmp0
12 years ago at 3:45 pmFUCK THE FUCKING CARDINALS. FUCK THIS GAME. FUCK PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD RIGHT. FUCK
12 years ago at 5:45 pm^
12 years ago at 7:05 pmShould’ve sacrificed a child, you lazy, good for nothing cocksucker.
12 years ago at 7:28 pmGuess he doesn’t come through with his promises…
12 years ago at 8:09 pmso the NFL replacement refs immediately found jobs calling our wild card game. Fuck that game. You’ll be missed Larry Wayne.
12 years ago at 9:04 pmChipper Jones is the FUCKING MAN! He should be in the Hall of Fame tomorrow and run for president in 2020 since Mitt will be President for the next 8 years.
12 years ago at 9:44 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNCgCJhckA
12 years ago at 11:22 amLet the record show that Braves fans are bad sports. Trash your own field on a correct call? Sportsmanship is a part of the game, any game at that. If you cant be a good sport, you shouldn’t watch the game.
12 years ago at 10:58 pmBecause the umpires disgracefully and irresponsibily instituted the “infield fly rule”, we disgracefully and irresponsibily instituted the “outfield beer can rule”… We deserve better than the umps terrible calls. Chipper deserves better. MLB deserves better. Bud Seligs fishing for ratings and contreversy is successful. And he should be ashamed of himself. He’s smiling drinking scotch right now because he knows it’ll be on SC for weeks. I personally will not watch a single MLB game. I watch to see fair play, and win or loss, I get enjoyment. Erroneous calls and irresponsibility makes the game no fun to watch, why would I intentionally watch something that isn’t fun anymore? I’d rather watch a poorly rated rom-com at this point. I can be disappointed and disgusted in half the time.
12 years ago at 11:07 pmDon’t be such a pussy.
12 years ago at 11:57 pmI’m smiling and drinking scotch right now too. Frat on, Mr. Selig.
12 years ago at 6:04 amAnybody who actually knows the rules of baseball knows that call was rediculous.
12 years ago at 7:23 amI’ll trade you an infield fly rule for a timeout called during the windup for a strikeout and a free first base hit that should end the game unless the hitter’s number is in the middle of the field.
12 years ago at 8:02 amQuit bitching, aside from that was the incorrect call the Braves had THREE errors. If you’re truly going to sit there and try to tell me they deserved that W you don’t know shit about baseball.
12 years ago at 9:40 amWe definitely didn’t deserve the win between the errors and 7 left on in the last three innings. But snu has a point, complete bullshit and I’m not ashamed whatsoever of our fans lack of sportsmanship. Don’t make bullshit calls and we won’t make you sit there for 30 minutes , thinking about what a horrible call you made while 50,000 people boo you and throw shit at you.
12 years ago at 6:13 pmFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK
12 years ago at 12:29 amFunny how all the Braves fans “forget” how they got their first 2 runs of the game… Apparently, you get 4 strikes in baseball now? I’m sorry, I thought this was America.
12 years ago at 12:25 pmHe fucking called time you dumb fucking geed who doesn’t know shit about baseball
12 years ago at 1:38 pm^and he fucking swung at the ball showing he thought the pitch was in play you fucking cunt nugget cum guzzler
12 years ago at 7:05 pm