Ranking The Frattest Graduation Power Moves

Not So Sweetheart9 years ago

It’s time to don the most expensive piece of polyester fabric you’ll ever buy: your graduation cap and gown. In a time of celebration and congratulation, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and leave the hallowed halls, empty kegs, and slammed pieces behind with nothing more than just the regular old walk across the stage and a handshake routine. Don’t let that happen. Here’s a list of the frattest power moves to pull so you can put that glorified robe to better use than the boring old pomp and circumstance.

6. Drink heavily

The shotgun, the beer bong, and the champagne shower are all cliches but classics. While I’d never dissuade you from another boozy encounter, I challenge you to think outside the box and truly make this a power move. Offer the folks on stage a swig from your flask when you pick up your diploma. Crack open a cold one as you walk off the stage. Pass champagne flutes around your row during the ceremony. Cheers to you.

5. Wear your cap and gown to the last day of class you attend

The cap and gown is synonymous with your final days at school. What better way to let your professor, peers, and group project partners know that this will be the last day they see you than by wearing your gown around, shaking everyone’s hand, and throwing your cap in their face? Bonus points if you do it on the first day of the semester too, rising seniors.

4. Go casual

Everyone’s dressed for success on graduation day, but you’ve got the rest of your life to dress like an adult and look like you have your life together. Take one more day to enjoy college. Pay homage to the last 4-5 debaucherous years you spent avoiding adulthood. Wear jorts, a Hawaiian shirt, maybe a pair of New Balances. Take it easy, be comfy. It’s a long, hot day. Bonus points if you cut the gown to match the length of your shorts.

3. Go commando

Take the last move one step further. Let it all hang out and let everyone know how little you care for the institution you’re leaving behind by making a mockery of higher education one last time. Even if you do have some respect for your school, do it for your own comfort. You’re going to be sitting in the sun covered in black fabric. No one wants to sweat through their dress shirt, so skip the shirt all together, along with everything else.

2. Get an over-the-gown handjob during the ceremony

TFM has long been a proponent of the over-the-pants handjob (OTPHJ), and is there a better way to celebrate life’s major accomplishments than with sexual favors? If so, please enlighten me, because something better than sex is something I want to have in my life. But we aren’t talking about me. We’re talking about you. The soon-to-be graduate, who is possibly already naked if number 3 is your kind of deal. Graduation ceremonies are dull at worst and entertaining at best (only if someone trips), so spice things up and convince the hot blonde sitting next to you to get handsy.

1. Deal with the cops at your graduation party

From ragers with your brothers to “small get togethers” at your apartment, if you’ve lived at all in college you’ve had a run-in with the cops (even if they were just campus cops). There are few times in your life you’ll want to celebrate bigger than after graduating, so really go for it. Here’s the important part: if the cops come, walk out in your cap and gown. Just like how nobody says no to a bride on her wedding day, no one’s gonna rain on a graduate’s parade. Make sure to let the authorities know that you’ve got the degree and you’ll glide on by without issue. Bonus points if the cops show up to your family graduation party..