Real TFM User Comments Inserted Into Casual, Everyday Conversation: Part 2

Dillon Cheverere12 years ago

Most of us can agree one of the greatest qualities of your TFM experience is the community involvement. We can also agree it’s comprised of some of the sickest sons of bitches around – funny, but sick. The comments on this site are equal parts hilarious and disturbing. The guise of internet anonymity makes sites such as this one a consequence free, no-holds-barred, sea of anarchy. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to put some of your commentary antics into perspective, real life type perspective, to reveal just how insane some of it is when used in regular, everyday conversation.

If you were born with, or have ever developed any semblance of a conscience, you may find the results to be terrifying.

^This guy’s comment, among others, has influenced me to put together a Part 2. Catch up on Part 1 if you missed it.

Scene 1: Four guys stand around the coffee machine on Monday morning to catch up on each others’ weekends.

“Hey there, Phil. How was your weekend, man?”

“Eh, solid. Nothing stands out. You?”

“Kick ass weekend. I’ll tell you about it, but will you pass the sugar and cream first?”

“No prob. I’ll trade you for the coffee pot. (Laughs) We all know I’m not the same without my mornin’ coffee.”

“I just want some coffee. What is wrong with you?”

“What do you mean you’re with him? Is there some kind of inside joke I’m not aware of?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Then wha…what the fuck are you guys talking about?”

“It’s pretty simple, man. You give him the pot of coffee, and he gives you Molly. Straight up.”

“Is he really talking about a personal masturbation device?”

“Yep…”

“Why would I want that disgusting thing?”

“Your sister…”

“What about my sister?”

“She’s 17, asshole. And aside from her age, that is absurdly inappropriate for the workplace.”

“Fuck you guys. I don’t even want coffee anymore. I’m going to the soda machine. Never talk to me again.”

Scene 2: Five students meet in the university library to discuss and delegate individual duties for their group project.

“Thanks to everyone for being on time. I really like our group here. With some diligent work, and if everyone can pull their own weight, we should be able to knock this thing out of the park.”

“May I ask why? We sit next to each other in lecture every day, and you’re usually very nice to me.”

“…..”

“You’re not gonna answer me? I mean one time you made an off-color comment about my attire, but I assumed you were just messing around. I know I don’t dress nicely for class like you, but does it really bother you?”

“Yeah, it does…”

“Well, sorry. Can we move on?”

“Whoa!”

“That’s a fair warning.”

“Where did that come from, and how do you know my sister?”

“She had her kid two years ago. Again, how do you know her?”

“Is it just because she’s my sister?”

“She looks nothing like you.”

“Did you know we are twins, and she’s like my best friend in the world?”

“Yeah, he’s totally rude.”

“Can we move on and discuss the project? I have somewhere to be in an hour.”

“Look, whatever I did to upset you, I apologize. I hope we can set this issue aside while we work on the project. Maybe we can even forget it later on.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Sure. Maybe even shake hands and drink a beer after it’s all over.”

“We really need to start getting along here if this group is going to be successful. I don’t understand what all the hostility is about.”

“(Laughs) Yeah, no kiddin’. We need a moderator or something to ensure we all have a chance to speak our minds and contribute.”

“Yeah, we need that nice lady from the presidential debate the other night. What’s her name again…?”

“Candy Crowley.”

“Yes, I suppose she is.”

“Huh? Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?”

“You got into the same school as me? Fuuuuuuck.”

“This group is so fucked.”

Scene 3: Four guys take their seats inside the stadium before watching their college football team play.

“Nice day today.”

“Indeed.”

“Beautiful.”

“We should destroy this team. Their defense is terrible.”

“Well, I was about to introduce you to my cousin Greg, but that was way out of line.”

“Welp.”

“And I assure you, he does not have down’s syndrome.”

“He looks like he does.”

“Well, he doesn’t. He visiting from Nebraska, and he’s a really nice guy.”

“Nebraska?”

“Yeah, I guess they grow a lot of corn there.”

“They do. They have corn fields everywhere.”

“Wait, what? Why are you talking about dead hookers?”

“Sometimes they need to be stored places. That’s all I’m sayin’.”

“Hey, Stu. Isn’t your ex-girlfriend from Nebraska, too?”

“Yeah.”

“Man, she had a great body.”

“She did.”

“She used to make my wiener tingle.”

“What does that…nevermind.”

“(Laughs) You’re sick, man.”

“Her name is Lisa, right?”

“Yeah.”

“She was a TFM Sweetheart if I remember correctly.”

“You do, indeed, remember correctly.”

“Those girls are smoking hot.”

“This is the last time I sit with you guys. No offense.”

Scene 4: Seven people congregate in the office break room. There is a cake on the table in celebration of the intern’s birthday.

“Sweet! A cake!”

“Where’d this come from?”

“Sally ordered it I believe.”

“Why? Is someone retiring or somethin’?”

“I think it’s the intern’s birthday, actually.”

“Oh, so we’re doing birthday cake for the intern now?”

“Yes, isn’t that ridiculous?”

“It is. Very ridiculous.”

“Hey, intern! Get in here!”

“Oh, hey guys.”

“Um…”

“Is today really your birthday?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How old are you?”

“I’m tw…” (gets interrupted)

“Guys, I have a lot work to do, and this is making me feel really uncomfortable.”

“May I be excused now?”

“You may not.”

“How long have you worked here, intern?”

“Two months now, and Gary said everyone is supposed to stop calling me ‘intern’.”

“No problem, intern.”

“Fire him?”

“Yeah, fire him.”

“What about the work he does up here? Is it quality?”

“Not sure, but he should be fired.”

“Yep. Look at that face of his.”

“How is this relevant? Should my looks really have a determining factor in my employment here?”

“Good lord. I’m fairly confident you guys are violating multiple HR codes.”

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