Reasons Why She Did Not Hook Up With You, From A Woman’s Perspective

yeahokaywhat11 years ago

1. You thought saying you wanted to “pee in my butt” was a compliment.
2. You asked me to “show you my tits.” Because that’s apparently how people say hello now.
3. You introduced yourself as Doctor Mantis Toboggan.
4. You fucked my best friend’s sister’s cousin’s sorority sister’s roommate.
5. Your tool tee shows your nipples and we’re, like, in public.
6. You thought saying I have a “fat ass” was a compliment.
7. You brought a condom and a little bottle of spermicidal lube.
8. When I asked you about your life, you described the plot of “Good Will Hunting.”
9. Because no, your best friend is not Ben Affleck, and you are not a genius janitor who solves math equations in the middle of the night.
10. You don’t trim the hedges.
11. Or you’re completely hairless, like a 12-year-old boy.
12. You drank your sugared down alcoholic beverage through a straw.
13. And yes, it kind of looked like you were sucking a little dick.
14. You didn’t hold open my door.
15. You offered to order me a pizza in exchange for a blow job. This one might actually work, but only if you throw in some stuffed crust.
16. You said I look like I have “good dick taking abilities.”
17. Daddy issues.
18. You called me Alexa, which would be cool–if my name was Alexa.
19. You don’t understand just how far five minutes of sushi sucking will go.
20. You said my mom is hot.
21. Right after you said I reminded you of your mom.
22. You asked me if I was on the pill before you asked me what my name is.
23. You post more selfies than I do. Or any, for that matter.
24. I said I didn’t want dessert, and you believed me.
25. I don’t fucking care if it will make me fat. It will also make me happy, and therefore, more likely to go down on you.
26. You do CrossFit.
27. You have a nickname for your penis, and yes, it’s called “The Octagon.”
28. You clean out my entire mouth, throat, and stomach with your French kissing “technique.”
29. You checked your fantasy score while I was slobbing on your knob.
30. You did the casual “turn around right after a hot girl walks by so you can check out her ass” thing.
31. You said you like Moe’s more than Chipotle.
32. You asked for “butt stuff.”
33. You hit on my friend first–while she was standing next to me.
34. You said you don’t believe in making things “Facebook official.”
35. Right before you went into the bathroom, you asked my opinion on blumpkins.
36. When I asked you what your name is, you claimed we were “moving too fast.”
37. You thought I wanted to bob for apples. And by “bob for apples,” I mean you shoved by head down by your dick, because apparently, it doesn’t suck itself.
38. I guess you don’t understand that when you take a shower, you need to scrub the scrotum, too.
39. You couldn’t figure out how to unclasp my bra.
40. You “forgot a condom” and did some rendition of “do I need to bag the serpent”?
41. You told me to call you daddy.
42. I’m a stone cold bitch who doesn’t realize what an honor it would be to ride your sexy dad bod. I will most likely gain 500 pounds and die alone while my cats eat my face, all because I said no to you. Moral of the story? She should always say yes. If not for herself, then for America.

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