Rebutting The Woman Who Doesn’t Do Blow Jobs

Alex Buscemi10 years ago

There are few things in this world I am truly passionate about: Gamecock football, dark liquor, Xbox, Camel filter cigarettes, and sweet, sweet blow jobs. Mother of God, I love everything about a well-executed Lewinsky. The way a girl kisses your body as she works her way down. The way she looks up at you as if she’s seeking recognition of your approval. The sounds she makes when she deep-throats (or in my case, deep-mouths) you.

I know you perverted idiots feel the same way I do, and guess what? The thing we hold dearest to our fruitful loins has come under attack. A writer for VICE just penned a raging column that threatens to leave all of our pork steeples as void of saliva as a plane crash survivor wandering the mighty Sahara.

Alison Stevenson hates blowjobs. She hates them so much that she wrote an entire column patting herself on the back for her refusal to partake in one of nature’s most beautiful, selfless acts of romantic love.

Stevenson’s argument against giving head — unlike her — fucking blows. Pull out your highlighters and pens, guys, because we’re about to do some English-class style close reading.

Stevenson begins her argument with a well-thought out introduction.

I don’t suck dick. That’s the deal, plain and simple. I know this statement is sure to enrage heaps of men, and even women, who consider blowjobs a mandatory part of anyone’s sexual repertoire. I totally get that. Here’s the thing, though: I fucking hate it. I’ve never enjoyed cramming a penis in my mouth.

You know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything she just said, but bear with me — this article takes a hypocritical turn, then dives straight into the deepest levels of fucked up. She goes on to reveal that while she refuses to give dome, she also refuses to enter a relationship with anyone who doesn’t go down on her.

I currently have a man in my life who I’m not exactly dating, but who comes over about once a week to eat me out. The only thing I give him in return is a pat on the back for doing a good job. Some might think this arrangement is strange, but I prefer to think of it as pretty damn close to perfect … This has been our arrangement for a little over two months now. If you’re wondering why we don’t have sex, it’s because I have made a promise to myself not to have sex until I’m in a relationship.

Okay, so the guy she uses as a personal cherry-flipping servant is a total pussy, but there’s a reason to feel even worse for this poor, whipped box muncher. Stevenson justifies her need to be eaten out by stating she can’t orgasm from penetration alone, and then casually drops a dark, ghastly detail about the death pit that is her vagina:

The real root of the problem seems to be that too many straight dudes are under the impression that women orgasm from penetration. The only thing a man has been able to give me during penetrative sex is HPV.

Wait a minute. Hold the fucking phone. For those of you who don’t know what HPV stands for, it’s human papillomavirus — a highly contagious, incurable sexually-transmitted disease that leads to genital warts and cancer. That’s right. This girl lets some poor, beta-male shmuck risk life and limb tongue-punching her diseased vagina until she nuts and doesn’t even give him a courtesy jibber in return. Wow. Let’s suppress our gag reflexes and proceed.

By the end of her column, Stevenson concludes that this grotesque hypocrisy stems from the fact that men never went down on her, and she was too afraid to ask them to do so.

Look, I know that my years of being denied oral sex is my fault too. I was a different person then. I never asked for what I wanted, because I worried it would make me seem less attractive. It’s something a lot of women feel, that it’s more important to fulfill a man’s desires over our own. You know, in order to “keep him.” Even the most headstrong, self-reliant, progressive women fall victim to this line of thinking. I have finally been able to shed myself fully of my meekness when it comes to sex and I know now that I can not only demand what I want but also deny what I don’t want: blowjobs.

Props to her for finally demanding that a man goes down on her. That sort of thing is what relationship gurus would probably call “effective communication” or some shit. But damn girl, either reciprocate or break it off with this guy now and spare him the heartache (and the possible STD) if you’re just going to use him as a living, breathing vibrator to satisfy you.

I am not enraged that she doesn’t give blowjobs. I am enraged that she uses her past sexual misfortune as an excuse to treat a man who clearly cares about her like shit. Even worse, she labels her selfishness as self-empowerment by stretching her column into a bullshit feminist statement. In her warped, blow jobless little world, she is taking a stand for women everywhere by refusing to give in to cruel men who want nothing from women other than fresh slob on their selfish knobs.

True, men are typically glorified for this kind of selfish behavior (receiving without giving), whereas women are unfairly branded as being a “slut.” In this way, her piece works in a “let’s turn the tables on a societal wrong” kind of way.

But two wrongs don’t make a right — or a healthy, happy relationship.

Let’s unzip a few case studies on oral sex that prove all of us (man or woman) need to stop complaining and put each other’s genitals in our mouths (unless they’re riddled with HPV).

First off, most guys aren’t as selfish as Stevenson makes us out to be. According to Psych Central, a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that over half of men in their early twenties have gone down in the past year, and that once we get into our late thirties, we go down more frequently than the women do.

This means that the lack of cunnilingus in Stevenson’s life is an exception, not a norm. Maybe the violent bout of genital warts is making her partners shy.

Secondly, a study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that couples who engaged in “sexual transformations” — which is fancy talk for doing things for each other that they hadn’t previously preferred to do — had higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.

It makes sense that sacrificing personal preferences for a selfless sex gesture would help hold a relationship together, and is there anything more selfless than blessing your significant other with a passionate session of unbridled oral?

Alison, I say this with the utmost respect: Eat a dick. It just might save your relationship someday. As for her boy toy, I urge you to drop that chick like a bad habit. If not, at least get an HPV vaccination.

She responded to me on Twitter.

She mad? Yeah, she mad..