Rick Perry: Fratstar from the Lonestar

The Guvnah13 years ago

In the days following Rick Perry’s much-anticipated presidential candidacy announcement the reaction has been mixed. The Tea Partiers have already crowned him the conservative savior of the union, while liberals have settled on a cross between a morally ambiguous George Bush and the Anti-Christ. But, party politics aside; Governor Perry has more important factors that should assure him the GOP nomination.

He Knows how to Party: An essential test of character is how hard a fraternity man raged during his college years. Rick Perry has definitely passed this test. During his 5 years at Texas A&M, Perry earned a 2.2 GPA as an Animal Sciences major, after having to switch from Pre-Veterinary due to low grades. In response to a question about his academic performance, he stated that he obviously wasn’t going to get it done academically, but politics required people skills and that’s what he had. Guess those afternoon bar crawls paid off after all. And Governor Perry didn’t stop raging after he graduated. An incident at his 2007 Inauguration Gala received national news attention after his personal friend, Ted Nugent, (yes that Ted Nugent) came on stage for a performance at the party wearing a cut off Confederate flag T-shirt, yelling obscenities about non-English speakers. In response to a condemnation from the NAACP, Perry responded that he asked Nugent to play, but didn’t stipulate what he could play. Raging with The Nuge after securing your second term as the Governor of Texas. TFM.

Guns, Guns, and More Guns: While any self respecting Republican is going to have a strong stance on second amendment rights, none has shown such an affinity for firearms as Perry. He has received an A+ rating from the NRA, is the proud holder of a concealed weapons permit, and has worked to make guns easier to obtain in Texas. But the real X factor in Perry’s pro-gun agenda is his proclivity towards automatic weapons and the use of handguns at campaign rallies. What political event isn’t better with guns?

Contraceptives: Rick Perry hates contraceptives. Ok, he didn’t say that, but it sure looks that way. As governor Perry issued a directive that all women receive an HPV vaccine. He swears it was because of his concern about cervical cancer. I suspect that a dis-affinity towards male contraceptives in college led to some unfortunate encounters with less than sterile sorostitutes. When he saw an opportunity to eliminate an STD, he was just looking out for the unsuspecting and probably unprotected fraternal majority.

While these facts are staggering, if you still aren’t convinced, here’s a glowing endorsement from a former Aggie classmate.

“A&M wasn’t exactly Harvard on the Brazos River,” recalled a Perry classmate in an interview with The Huffington Post. “This was not the brightest guy around. We always kind of laughed. He was always kind of a joke.”

That joke is now running for president. TFM.