Rick “Rooster” Santorum Will Out Chug You, Bro

Rob Fox13 years ago

Rick Santorum is widely known as a champion of the unborn, but is he also a champion beer chugger? He is according to a new story from The Huffington Post.

Everybody called him “Rooster.” And Rooster liked to chug.

-Penn State, 1977-

Frat Bro: ROOSTER! ROOSTER MY BRO! Check it out! Beer shower!!!

(*shakes up beer, pours it on Santorum’s head*)

Santorum: Stop! STOP! That’s an unnecessary waste of beer. Every beer is precious. Opened, unopened. All of them. From the moment it’s brewed a beer is precious.

Frat Bro: THEN CHUG THIS SHIIIIITTTTT!

(*Hands Santorum a beer*)

Santorum: Oh it’s on bitches!

(*Chugs beer in one gulp, slams it to the ground, helicopters penis*)

Santorum: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO MOTHERFUCKERS! TIME TO RAGE! By the way, did you hear about our new defensive coordinator? It’s about damn time Jerry Sandusky got promoted.

Christine Grasso remembered how Santorum taught her the not-so-subtle nuances of chugging during her freshman year, when she was a “Little Sister” at the fraternity house. “Honest to God, he taught me how to chug a beer,” Grasso said. “Back then, you used to chug beer and, you know, challenge each other … He was amazing. He could chug a beer in like one gulp.” Rooster could beat everyone at beer-chugging, Grasso said. She explained the Rooster technique: “You just open your throat.”

I assume Santorum went on to give Grasso a private lesson on his throat opening technique since “swallowing” was still an acceptable form of contraception in the crazy 1970’s, not like today. Keep your laws off my freshman’s throat!

In all seriousness though I never had Santorum pegged as the type of guy to have a stereotypical frat nickname and an admirable drinking problem, even if I knew he was in a fraternity. I’m almost sort of, kind of… relating to him? I mean he wasn’t impossible to relate to before this, for example I also think sweater vests give me magical speaking abilities. But this is the first time I’ve actually viewed Santorum as a normal person and not some way too far right to appeal to America candidate.

I don’t want to speak too soon but I feel safe in saying that Rick Santorum’s chances at grabbing the nomination aren’t great. That said, this could only help him, right? For once he’s relatable. I would’ve leaked this stuff months ago if I were him. He should chug a beer at his next rally, show off that throat. I wonder if wearing a sweater vest would help at all. Wait… was that his secret in college? What sort of mystical throat related advantages do sweater vests give this man? Before you know it Rick Santorum is going to be singing opera while swallowing flaming swords, clothed in nothing but sweater vests.

I think that’s enough sweater vest jokes, back to my beer drinking Santorum campaign strategy. According to the article Santorum did try and play up his youthful shenanigans to an extent:

For a brief moment Monday afternoon, GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum jettisoned his conservative, culture-warrior talking points to make a down-to-earth connection with Ohio voters. He confessed that as a teenager, he used to cross the Ohio border to buy beer because the state’s legal drinking age was 18. “I used to enjoy going to Ohio,” he said.

I used to do the same thing in high school by driving over to East St. Louis, where the legal drinking age was “Thanks for not stabbing me, you may have what you like.”

Knowing what I know now about Santorum, I’m truly looking forward to his post loss party, whatever round of the election it comes in. Why? Because I think he might rage, at least for a night. He’s going to let the old Rooster back out, and I’d much rather see that than him in the White House.

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