Save Yourself The Hassle And Wear Green On St. Patrick’s Day

ItalianStallion8 years ago

There are two general rules to St. Patrick’s Day: get drunk, and wear green. Bars become a sea of cheesedicks wearing not-so-clever novelty green tees that say things like “Whiskey Business,” “Life of the Patty,” or “Go luck yourself.” Some tryhards may wear a kilt, but they’ll still have some type of green flair up top to balance it all out. So when you decide to go against the grain and throw on let’s say a red flannel, you’re putting yourself in the crosshairs of drunk assholes city-wide. I learned this lesson the hard way.

“Everyone will be having a good time drinking and nobody will give a shit about me,” I foolishly thought to myself. The entire time I felt like I was a convict still in my bright orange jumpsuit. Never before in my entire life have I had so many people come up to me and tell me I look like a jackass. You stick out like a severed thumb. Which, I guess, is a positive if you want someone to find you, but prepare for many more unfriendly interactions with strangers.

When I went to the bar for an Irish car bomb, I hear someone scream “look at this jabroni!” I turn around and standing there is some douche wearing an extra schmedium green shirt and a plaid kilt clowning me in front of a group of 20 people who join in on chastising me as bagpipes played in the fucking background. Trust me, it was one of the lowest moments of my life. I’d go as far as to say it was rock-bottom for your boy. Well, that also included the hot bartender refusing to acknowledge my existence and serve me solely based on my attire. That was the dagger that went right through my Blarney Stone heart.

Luckily for me, St. Paddy’s Day is now celebrated for the entire month of March and there are plenty opportunities for redemption. It’s time to learn from my mistake and just go with the flow. If you want to spend your night out in peace, just put on something green..