Scientists Discover World’s Oldest Active Fraternity Member

Doctor Franzia8 years ago

Scientists and health officials announced excitedly today that they’ve located a new holder for the title of the world’s oldest active fraternity member.

At over 19 years of active status, Alpha Lambda Pi member Gerald Davis III surpasses the previous record holder by a staggering 20 semesters.

“This finding is extraordinary!” said lead longevity researcher Dr. Derrick Madenstein. “Before this individual was identified, it was generally accepted that the biological and physiological limit regarding the amount of time a human organism could remain an active fraternity member was 10 years. We are re-thinking everything we thought we knew!”

Gerald’s own brothers were influential authors on the study of Gerald’s amazing vitality, having studied his lifestyle extensively.

“Other people moved on. They got jobs, got married,” explained ALP Historian Ronnie “Burns” Richards. “Gerald just kind of stayed where he was at. I mean, he’s not that involved. He just sits out on the porch drinking forties every night. But he shows up for the composite photo every year.”

Gerald has benefited from a loophole in his chapter’s membership policy that preserves active status as long as the member is an undergraduate student. And Gerald?

“Dude changed his major like a hundred times.”

Gerald came into college as a mechanical engineer. He sat for the placement test on the first day and reportedly looked at his paper, put his pencil down and loudly announced, “Fuck this shit!” before walking out of the room to declare a major in business administration. From there, Gerald has shared class rolls with Biology, Fine Arts, Fermentation Sciences, Sculpting, Women’s Studies, Cinematography, Pre-Law History, Pre-Med Vertebrate Phys, Economics, Marketing, and Food Sciences students — just to name a few.

Gerald has recently re-declared a major in New Media Studies, a major that didn’t even exist when he first started college.

“It’s basically just watching Netflix and writing papers about it,” clarified Richards. “Ger-Bear’s gotten real good at doing that. He’s just got to take enough credits to stay enrolled.”

Scientists are still baffled at how Gerald’s body is capable of withstanding active membership for so much longer than a normal human’s. Richards believes he has the answer.

“His dad owns a chain of furniture stores, and the second the poor bastard graduates, his dad’s retiring and Gerald is taking over that shit. I’d draw it out as long as I could, too. Furniture… that’s no kind of life. That’s no kind of life at all.”

Gerald himself once said, “I’d rather eat out a man than talk yearly comparative sectional sales. Guess I’m going for my PhD.”

At press time, the only thing Gerald Davis III was going for was a grade just barely above passing in Emerging Technology 101: Computers And You and an unenthusiastic handjob from the fraternity chef.

Truly a marvel of the human condition. One-in-a-million..