Serial Butt-Grabber Tormenting UC Davis Campus Is Modern Day, Ass-Slapping Version Of Zodiac Killer
According to sources, students at the University of California, Davis were recently alerted about what now appears to be a serial ass-grabber. The most recent incident of what has been classified as sexual battery by the UC Davis Police Department occurred on March 4, 2015.
To paraphrase, some fat doofus in a hoodie with long hair and a fucking goatee rolled by on a mountain bike, slapped and grabbed some chick’s ass before speeding off to play World of Warcraft and masturbate furiously in his dorm. Normally, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but a previous incident on April 30, 2014 has police concerned that a serial tushy-squeezer could be loose on campus.
How he selects his victims is currently unknown, but it seems clear that this jorts-wearing social outcast’s anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun. He’s just wandering the streets on his mountain bike (without a helmet, because he lives dangerously), sticking mostly to the shadows in his hoodie and jean shorts, probably stroking his goatee while searching for bad bitches that have junk in the trunk.
Police have yet to make any arrests, so this buns-bopping miscreant is still at large, growing ever bolder by the day. That’s how these serial offenders operate, after all. They commit their first ass slap, and feed off of that high for as long as they can, until they desperately need another hit and are forced to go out trolling for booty once again. But just like with a heroin addict, nothing will ever be as good as that first high, so his attacks will come more and more frequently as he yearns to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for caboose. Little does he know, there is no way to slake the badonkadonk lust that possesses him.
If you have a bubble butt, or a nice pressed ham, watch your back. He is out there…watching, waiting, plotting his next move, and he will strike again. I just pray that his next victim’s rear end isn’t both slapped and grabbed, as a dual violation makes the recovery process all the more grueling. .
This article was disgusting. Where’s Fail Friday?
11 years ago at 11:38 amFuck you intern. Give me fail Friday
11 years ago at 11:42 am?
11 years ago at 11:47 amFuck you Intern. You are a fucking disgrace.
11 years ago at 12:57 pmFuck you intern, I hope your own mother kills you.
11 years ago at 1:05 pmShe already had that opportunity but couldn’t execute.
11 years ago at 2:15 pmI’m sick of these bullshit campus alerts blowing up my phone for isolated incidents. Now where the fuck is Fail Friday?
11 years ago at 11:47 amThe second half of the second to last paragraph talking about his unquencha lee thirst sounds like bacon and his masturbation addiction
11 years ago at 11:52 am*unquenchable sorry
11 years ago at 11:53 am
11 years ago at 11:53 amOh my.
11 years ago at 12:05 pm
11 years ago at 12:02 pmBolen you’re a decent writer but a shitty detective apparently. First report is a heavy dude with long brown hair, second one is 180 pounds with short light hair. For sure two different culprits here, maybe a team effort.
11 years ago at 12:10 pmHe probably just got really fat and grew a goatee since the first time.
11 years ago at 12:23 pmThe same thing is happening at the University of Cincinnati. Except there, not surprisingly, it’s a black dude.
11 years ago at 1:01 pmYou’re telling me there are men in the state of California who like women?? I don’t believe you.
11 years ago at 2:07 pmThe original ass slapper was a man from Ball State years ago. He successfully completed the simultaneous double ass slap on two unsuspecting ladies while riding a bike. The inclusion of the getaway vehicle in the act itself was pure genius.
11 years ago at 7:25 am