Should You Bang Your Co-Worker?

twelve-gage8 years ago

If you’re reading this then I’m assuming you have a sex drive. Given this sex drive, you probably want to find another warm body with whom you might indulge in bumping of the uglies. Well, there’s good news for you. These people are everywhere. They are at the gym, they are at Whole Foods (or Wal-Mart if you’re a poor and hard to look at), and, of course, out at the bar. But these people are can also be at your place of work.

Before you negate the idea of banging your co-worker, I want you to know I am fully aware of the complications involved when it comes to dipping the pen in company ink. I can already hear your annoying objections with my line of thought. “I see these women way too often. Don’t shit where you eat. I already have enough problems with HR.”

Are you serious? Look, I hate to have to use math, but even more than hating numbers, I really enjoy being right about everything, so we’re going to do some simple arithmetic. There are 168 hours in a week. If you have a real job, you are probably working at least forty to fifty hours each week, and that equates to about twenty-five percent of your said time. You sleep away the other third of your life, so that doesn’t leave you much time on the prowl between eating food and pooping. Plus, the clock is ticking. Most of you will be disgusting by the time you hit forty. So, please, tell me again why are you consciously making the workplace a zero tolerance bone zone?

Someday you’re going to be old and useless and if you didn’t get any intra-work ass, you’re going to reflect back on your days as an mid-level executive and wonder why in God’s name you didn’t defile that sexy intern who laughed at your recycled meme jokes. You will surely be penitent if you missed the opportunity to bang your not-so-hot-but-that-work-skirt-just-does-it-for-me boss. Few people get that opportunity. If that unicorn ever presents itself, you need to fuck it. Metaphorically. Because if you do see a real unicorn you need to shoot it dead. That taxidermied beast will sell for millions.

As far as your previous concerns go, I will address those now with flawless logic.

1. Concern: It’s against HR policy. Solution: Lie.

2. Concern: What if people find out? Solution: Lie, again. Unless they have video evidence, which means they were there and probably got in on the action. In that case, good job and implicate them too.

3. Concern: It will jeopardize the professional relationship. Solution: If this happens, keep your cool. Accuse them of emotional immaturity and try to get someone else at work to sleep with them. That way you’re in the clear.

In closing, have sex with a co-worker. Any shame you might have about it is simply a b.s. projection cultivated by America’s post-puritanical society. You are supposed to be having sex. In fact, the entire reason you have a job is to at some point leverage yourself to achieve the sexual partners of your desire. Of course, it’s a risk. But take it from American tycoon Ray Kroc, “If you’re not a risk taker, you should get the hell out of business.” He was clearly talking about boning his employees, both in the bedroom and out of a multi-billion dollar fast food empire..

Image via Shutterstock