Some Kid Was Caught Yanking It On Florida’s Sorority Row, Then Again On A Public Bench Two Days Later

Rob Fox10 years ago

Normally, when I hear about someone getting caught masturbating in public, let alone twice within a 72-hour span, I think to myself, “This guy needs to reevaluate his life choices, pronto.” We all have urges, guy, but satisfying them in public, out in the open, even if it’s in Florida where its legality is probably a little blurrier than it should be, is not the answer. That’s what the nearest big, single room handicapped bathroom is for. THERE’S A LITTLE THING CALLED SELF CONTROL.

However, I can’t in good conscience question this guy’s life choices, because I’m sitting here at 4 p.m. on a slow Wednesday and all I can think is, “Thank God this creep decided to conspicuously rub a few out, because I had nothing else to write about today.” Here I am, rejoicing that this 18-year-old kid was spreading his seed in some sorority’s garden, which is not a euphemism. Don’t blame me, because it’s your fault, too, dear readers. I read a very interesting article today on ISIS’s recent attacks on Mosul and northern Iraq, and how the Islamist militants are actually a separate and non-cooperative entity independent of Al Qaeda, a fact many major news outlets and pundits get wrong, but I believe I correctly concluded that the story’s lack of bewbs, the SEC, or ‘Merica would preclude it from being a TFM audience draw. So here I am, talking about some messed up kid yanking on his dick because a slight genetic glitch and/or a repressed upbringing has his sexual wiring mangled like telephone lines after a heavy thunderstorm.

Hell, this is probably where I belong, but still, days like this make that same old question from relatives–that “So where exactly do you think this job is going to lead, you know, in the future?”–so hard to hear and answer. Gee, I don’t know, Aunt Kathy! Probably either ghost writing erotic dinosaur novels or a name change and a résumé full of lies, but it’s anyone’s guess really!

Anyway, uh, here’s the University of Florida email alerting everyone that some kid keeps openly jerking off on campus.

Get a grip kid. A different grip.