Someone Has Been Diagnosed With Ebola In Texas And It’s Probably Time To Panic
11 years ago

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A patient in Dallas, Texas, is the first person ever in the United States to be diagnosed with the Ebola virus.

For those of you who are uninformed idiots, Ebola is basically a death sentence. According to the Center for Disease Control, Ebola causes viral hemorrhagic fever, which can affect multiple organ systems in the body and is often accompanied by bleeding. Early symptoms include sudden onset of fever, weakness, muscle pain, headaches, and a sore throat, each of which can be easily mistaken early on for other ailments, such as malaria, typhoid fever, meningitis, or even the plague. After that, you die.

The survival rate is on par with an American League pitcher’s batting average. The disease can take up to three weeks to reveal itself, and it is contagious if you come into contact with someone who’s been affected. So, it’s good to stay away from large crowds if the cases start to multiply.

Shit.

The Ebola scare started this summer, when missionaries from North Carolina and Texas were diagnosed with the disease and flown back to the United States for treatment. This new patient was also doing mission work, then got on a plane full of people and flew back to the United States, carrying the deadly virus.

I hate to be that guy, but can we temper down the mission work in these African countries for a bit? Maybe, just maybe, instead we could go rebuild some homes in West Virginia or do something nice for Florida…? God only knows what terrible things we could fix in Florida. Then, after this all subsides, we can go back to Africa. Please?

It may not matter. I am resigned to my fate. We’re doomed.

[via CNN]

Image via Twitter

  3. Broties n Boatshoes

    “…caring the deadly virus”? I expect this shit from the intern, HelmetStickers, and to be honest, I’m not surprised you fucked up too.

    11 years ago at 5:04 pm
  4. Jefferson Dav1s

    Anyone returning from Africa should be quarantined for a week while being tested for this shit.

    11 years ago at 5:08 pm
  6. TrustFundMillionaire

    Remember how “racist” everybody was for saying the United States should have shut down travel with Africa when the virus hit?

    11 years ago at 5:12 pm
    2. Steady dividends

      If Rick Perry had any say in it, all three wouldn’t have come in the first place.

      11 years ago at 10:03 pm
    3. Pasty

      True, it’s the Tallahassee of the world. At least they don’t have a massive date rape epidemic, though.

      11 years ago at 2:43 am
  8. allcommission

    “The survival rate is on par with an American League pitcher’s batting average”. Soooooo, you’re saying AL pitchers hit pretty well? Cause last I checked, and by that I mean the article you fucking referenced, just over 3,000 of 6,553 cases have resulted in deaths. which means over half survived. Which means over a .500 average.

    11 years ago at 5:19 pm
      1. Whiskey_Ginger

        If I remember correctly, that’s the Zaire strain. Most of this outbreak isn’t that strain. Zaire burns out quickly because it kills faster.

        11 years ago at 5:36 pm
      2. Whiskey_Ginger

        Actually, a bit of clarification: this is in the Zaire family, but it’s so genetically different that it’s a new subtype. Zaire kills at 80-90% usually. Had to dig through some CDC research to find out which subtype this actually is. The media coverage sucks.

        11 years ago at 5:43 pm
  9. PowderHound.

    Good thing I invested in the company that’s creating the Ebola Vaccine. Stocks are gonna sore.

    11 years ago at 5:19 pm