Someone Needs to Punch Rand Paul in His Stupid Ginger Face
13 years ago

There’s a relatively straightforward bill sitting in the United States Senate right now. It’s helpful and simple and so non-offensive that it has almost complete bipartisan support as well as support from the White House. The bill is called “Senate bill (S.1940),” and its purpose is to reauthorize the National Flood Insurance Program (NFIP).

“By requiring the Federal Emergency Management Agency to move to full risk-based premium rates for certain properties, the bill would strengthen the NFIP’s financial position and increase its ability to fund future claims. The bill would also reduce flood risk and increase the resiliency of communities to flooding,” the White House statement said.

Oh my gosh! This bill sounds great! It seems like an especially good time to extend it since the initial program expires this July. After all, flooding is going to be a concern for many Americans now that hurricane/tropical storm season is kicking up again. Honestly it’s good to see Republicans and Democrats working together in the interest of the American people. Democracy at its finest if you ask me.

Oh wait, what’s that? Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky has a problem with bill? Hmm… okay… I mean, if there’s a loose end that needs to be tied up then yeah let’s go ahead and tie it up. So what exactly does Senator Paul think is missing from this bill about flood insurance? Why there’s nothing in there about abortion! That’s what!

Rand Paul is holding up the bill until the Senate passes an amendment, an amendment on the FLOOD INSURANCE bill, defining when life officially begins. Because of this the bill may not go through at all now.

Rand Paul talks about abortion more than two gossipy secretaries who work at the front desk of an abortion clinic.

Secretary 1: Oh did you see that girl who just left? She goes to my son’s school. Dates the quaterback. Guess I know how they celebrated the big win last week.

Secretary 2: Honey I seen her in here five times this year. That girl needs to get a punch card! (*laughs*)

Secretary 1: FOR ALL HER ABORTIONS! (*laughs*)

Secretary 2: Mmmmhmmm…. Abortion.

At this point I’m pretty sure that Rand Paul has a fever, and the only prescription is more abortion debate.

When reporters asked Senator Paul about his demand for an amendment defining the official beginning of life he told them, “I think the people who believe in protecting life would like to see a vote.”

Yeah, maybe, except for the ones that Tropical Storm Debby is currently taking a shit on. My guess is they’re more concerned about the future of their homes than whether life begins sloppily in the back corner of a foam party or at a completely random point two months later.

Rand Paul, you are an asshole. You are a counterproductive, self serving asshole with the creepy smile of a windowless van owner. Every time someone hates a Republican, you’re anywhere between 20 to 100 percent responsible. Seriously, you’re MINIMUM 20% responsible at any give time.

I’d also argue that even pro-lifers should be upset with this move by Senator Paul. Obnoxious tactics like this doesn’t exactly engender support for a cause that’s already extremely controversial. Rand Paul consistently makes a joke of his own party and many of its causes. Someone should punch him in his stupid ginger face.

  4. PreppyAndIKnowIt

    Rand Paul is the man, fuck TFM for not knowing shit about politics and policies. This article is so fucking left leaning it sounds like some shit out of the Huffington Post.

    13 years ago at 3:29 pm
    1. WhoDatFrat80

      No I think this is a pretty good article. Blocking an important bill to get something on your own personal agenda done is utter horseshit, especially when there is no correlation between the subject matter. This deadlocked Congress process is exactly why it takes years for anything to get done in this country.

      13 years ago at 3:36 pm
    3. Grandview

      Fuck bacon for trying to act like he knows what he is talking about. Missouri the pledge of the south. Go figure

      13 years ago at 3:43 pm
    5. boeingsandbourbon

      a) How would a new law “reduce flood risk and increase the resiliency of communities to flooding?”

      2) “the bill would strengthen the NFIP’s financial position and increase its ability to fund future claims” = More taxes/borrowing/government growth = NF

      III) Rand Paul is The Man

      13 years ago at 10:41 pm
  5. Making KY Great

    Rand Paul is a disgrace to Kentucky. He was a horrible M.D. and an even worse Senator. To prove my point he didn’t meet the requirements to be recertify as an ophthalmologist so he naturally created his own certification board so that he could claim he is a board certified doctor. Some would say he’s TFTC but he’s a sad excuse for people in the medical field.

    13 years ago at 3:36 pm
  6. GotEm

    Article like this was also written at quality sites such as Huffington Post and thinkprogress.org. Great reading material chief.
    Unrelated amendments to bills happen all the time to essentially every bill. Unless there’s a filibuster, which can easily be broken if it’s a popular bill, one person holding out for an amendment will not work. Your boy Reid decides what gets considered and voted on the floor and what does not. This is not even newsworthy.
    I remember my first US Government 101.

    13 years ago at 3:39 pm
    1. Grandview

      Fucking this^ u should probably check and see if your balls are still intact bacon.

      13 years ago at 3:48 pm
  7. Lld3

    If you knew anything about politics you’d know by now that this is the only way things get done, and I fail understand your “flood insurance is more important than dead babies” argument. No one cares about your misinformed political opinion; your undergrad journalism was only an excuse to consume alcohol, accept the fact that you are at best a comedian or kill yourself.

    13 years ago at 3:47 pm
  10. BamaForRomney

    Now I’m Team Bacon, but c’mon. Let’s talk about the flood insurance bill itself. It’s NF. The government isn’t my insurance company. That’s inefficient and coercive. I get that flood insurance basically didn’t exist before the NFIP, but that was in the 60s. Let the private sector compete for my business. All this bill has done is encourage the lazy guys to move to flood risk areas do they can reap the benefits. Only a liberal like Hawtpiece would support this.

    13 years ago at 5:30 pm
    3. frawhat

      ^Fucking this. Guy knows what he’s talking about. NFIP is basically a huge drain of money. And none of it goes to alcohol, just so that idiots who want to build on the beach can get insurance (And the government actually subsidizes this construction).

      13 years ago at 9:33 pm
  11. Go Frat Win

    Bacon knows nothing about the Senate. What Bacon is complaining about happens EVERY DAY.

    13 years ago at 5:40 pm