Southern South: The Fraternity Man’s Fraternity Brand
It’s not every day a man can feel the dull scratch of cheap Korean cotton against his glistening fraternal loins. Even rarer are the moments when the true gentleman can cradle his supple tuft of top-tier chest hair with a brand that is both elegant and sold at a 95% profit margin. But fear not, my brothers in debauchery and tiny animal logos, those days of woe have finally come to an end. I present to you the fraternity man’s fraternity brand: Southern South.
“Just another fratty polo brand with ‘South’ in the title?” you might be thinking. You couldn’t be more wrong. Southern South is the physical embodiment of every Greek organization in our fair country. We just also happen to sell shirts for $82 a pop. Sure, the shirt itself only costs us a Lincoln to put together, but everyone seems to forget that those little animals don’t put themselves on these shrouds of utmost fratcellence.
Here at Southern South, we make sure every single logo is personally designed with Georgia cotton threads soaked in oak barrels filled with a 50/50 blend of Jack Daniels and Grizzly Wintergreen snuff. Next, we ship each shirt to Eastern Europe so we can have actual slaves hand-stitch each logo, just so we can get closer to that authentic Confederate feeling than any other clothier. Next we bring the threads of debaucherous joy back to the US of A, lay them on the steps of the Texas State Capitol for 24 hours, then we ship them off to the prosperous legions of poon slammers running each and every campus.
You might be wondering how we can keep such high standards for our brand. After all, what’s to stop hipsters and high schoolers from donning our gear in hopes of completing their fraternal dreams? I’m glad you asked, brother. For every single purchase on our website, we require users to upload a picture of their fraternity membership card in order to prove the customer’s authenticity. Are you a GDI that was “too cool” to get a bid? Get off of our website. Misplaced your membership card? Too bad, we won’t even let you buy a keychain. Pledging? FUCK YOU YOU SACK OF SHIT! Some say this is a terrible way to run a business. To those people, I say “Fuck you, geed.” We aren’t running a business. We’re running a Southern Frat Greek Badass Southern Empire. We’re so Southern that I had to say Southern twice.
For those worried about the quality of our products, have no fear. We know how much our clientele enjoys spending their parents’ hard earned money, and we have arrived at the perfect solution. Our products are of such poor quality that you can actually only wear them once before a massive hole exposes your genitals, nipples, or in some cases both. We like to call it “The Wildcard Effect.” When you live your life mere seconds away from an exposed dick and balls, you tend to make the most of every situation. We’ve had multiple reports of spontaneous mid dance floor blowjobs that arose from an aggressive erection tearing our 1” inseams to shreds. Does the idea of spontaneous blowjobs appeal to you? Of course it does, you tippity top tier motherfucking badass.
For those really looking to stand out come frat season: if we haven’t won you over yet, I think our new product will blow you away. For the first time in history we are pleased to announce that our fall line will include a pair of 0” inseam shorts. You read that correctly. Zero motherfucking inches. #SkysOutThighsOut? More like #HangOutWangOut. Or how about #FaintOutTaintOut. It doesn’t matter how you rock them, every sorority woman in town will be drooling over your creme colored undefined thighs of steel.
You sold yet? Ready to butcher the hell out of you father’s credit card? Keep an eye out because Southern South is coming to a website near you.
#SouthernSouth #FratSoHard #SHAMALAMADINGDONG
I think you might seriously have something here.
11 years ago at 5:07 pmSad part is, about half of this site’s readers are actually trying to find where they can buy it.
11 years ago at 5:08 pmDon’t hold back bra! We needs it we do.
11 years ago at 5:55 pmI actually thought it was a real brand at first and I thought “Oh great here we go again”. Third paragraph was the best.
11 years ago at 6:37 pmIn all honesty, I’d rather invest in this than the TFM Movie.
11 years ago at 9:24 pm^^^Sure thing, smeagol
11 years ago at 10:30 amThe South will rise!
11 years ago at 5:13 pmfuck I left out a third ^
11 years ago at 5:15 pmThe joke was obvious because you included Florida in the logo. Come on, man – no one fucking likes Florida. Not even Florida.
11 years ago at 5:15 pmYou mean South New York and/or North Cuba? Yeah, fuck those guys.
11 years ago at 6:29 pmI was under the impression Texas was not considered to be part of the South.
11 years ago at 11:38 pmFlorida was included because it was a confederate state, which I guess makes it “Southern.”
11 years ago at 1:44 amTexas was part of the confederacy sperrys, even Helan Keller knew that
11 years ago at 12:40 pmAn awesome satire that hit everything including the whole “high school fraternity” bullshit. Well done
11 years ago at 5:16 pmSoo Kentucky isn’t in that logo…fuck bourbon, right?
11 years ago at 5:19 pmKentucky sided with the Union. Therefore it is not part of the South. But bourbon is alright.
11 years ago at 5:29 pmKentucky declared neutral as the gov’t didn’t want to lose the economic advantages of the north and most Kentuckians supported the south. There was even a strong confederate shadow gov’t in Kentucky which earned it a star on the confederate flag.
11 years ago at 6:07 pmRoll Tide, Kentucky was a border state, you dumb piece of shit. That means it wasn’t on the north’s side. Kentucky is considered more Southern because a vast majority of the members of the state government were Comfederate supporters and they even had a star on the Confederate flag. The union couldn’t afford to lose Kentucky and Kentucky needed support from the government, do they became a border state. My family, all from Kentucky and Tennessee, fought for the South. Learn your history, dumbass.
11 years ago at 7:11 pmKentucky, Missouri, and Maryland didn’t secede, but they sent troops to fight for the South. Fuck off, Lahey, I got work to do (great name).
11 years ago at 9:42 amFunniest thing I’ve read on here in a while.
11 years ago at 5:24 pmI found this hilarious.
11 years ago at 5:35 pmYou just confused so many try-hards out there.
11 years ago at 5:35 pm