Sterling Cooper Talks Women
13 years ago

Brothers,

As you may have gathered, I am a fan of the ladies. There are two distinct classes of women that I know you are all familiar with. There are slampieces and there are women. Slampieces are simple. They like fraternity men. We like them too, in a very vagina-central sort of way. If a slampiece wants to come over, she is welcome, provided it is after last call between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. and she leaves in a timely manner (usually clad in the button-up shirts that we don’t want anymore). We want one thing from them, and they usually know their place. But this is not a column about my checklist for slampieces (that list ends after attractiveness, willingness, and discretion). This column is about my checklist for a woman.

Women are far more complex than your everyday slampiece. They require time and effort, two things that we usually reserve for scotch and business. If I am going to be investing my life and my future in you (and giving up other women), you’re for damn sure going to have some standards to live up to:

1. Attractiveness– Yes, I know that I just put that on the slampiece list, but like I said this version is much more complex. Real attractiveness is not about tits and ass, because that shit goes away. If I’m thinking about a potential future with a girl, I turn into a fucking genetic scientist. Hell, I’ll even agree to meet her family for the sole purpose of scouting her mom. You want to make sure that this investment is still paying dividends 20 years from now, or you’ll move onto wife number two quicker than necessary. It’s just good business.

2. Intelligence– If there’s one thing we all know to be true about girls, it’s that hot only goes so far. If she’s dumber than an expired can of Spam rolling around in a dump truck, sex isn’t going to save her for long. Our girls need to be able to adequately discuss and debate politics (foreign and domestic policy), economics, music, movies, and sports. And yes, they’re allowed to watch their Bake-Off Wars and unredeemable MTV reality shows, because that means we get our month long hunting safaris and excursions to Vegas. And people say I don’t negotiate…

3. Assertiveness– This one is a little tricky. Let me set the record straight, it is totally acceptable – even preferable – for us to have our slampieces around to wash our clothes and make our food. But I am not going to commit to a woman just so I can have pressed shirts and perfect sandwiches, I can pay an illegal named Marta six American dollars an hour to do that. I’m not searching for a lifetime dishwasher. I want a woman who’s willing to kick my ass if I’m fucking up (which is pretty much all day, maybe I’m a masochist).

4. Kindness– Well…kindness to me. She can be a bitch to you assholes all day for all I care.

5. Willingness– Yeah, this one was on the slampiece list too. But after years of dating and/or marriage, normal slam sessions are going to lose their luster. I’m not saying I want a girl who shows up to the bedroom with a strap on, the fratlab’s leash, one latex glove, and the pledge paddle from ’08 that took the life of Watkins’ left testy…but a little openness to experimentation is good for everyone.

6. True Love– My bad. Kiss From A Rose just played on Pandora and it got me a little emotional. Fuck, I love that song though. Where were we? Batman Forever? Ok, let’s do this.

Anyway, y’all get the idea. But the best part about this list is that I don’t even have to worry about this shit right now. I will go to the bar tonight and say dirty things to girls I’ve never met. It’ll disgust most of them, but one of them is going to love it, and we’ll go back to the bedroom to do some sinning. So what’s the moral of the story for fraternity men? Keep your standards in mind, even when you’re railing a rando from behind. For now, just let your little head make all the decisions for you. Ladies, I know this column didn’t have the happy ending that you thought it would, but keep this in mind: This isn’t a fucking Disney movie. And why is there no mustard on this?

  2. NaNaNaNa FRATman

    “You want to make sure your investment is still paying dividends 20 years from now….its just good business” hahaha

    I also agree with the assertiveness part. Theres something about a woman who can keep you in check.

    13 years ago at 6:59 pm
  4. Yours Truly

    There should be section dedicated to “Ability to Host”. There will be many get togethers, both personal and business related in our not so distant, wealth filled futures. The wife will have to possess the ability to decorate/prep food and drinks/ and clean up the place in a precise manner afterward. This is perhaps the most overlooked, yet arguably important aspect.

    13 years ago at 7:34 pm
  5. Haze Em

    Do ya’ll see some of the horrendous pictures of geeds under the “people who like TFM on facebook” column on the side? It just scares me to know that some of you GDIs commenting on this website are those geeds in the pictures.

    13 years ago at 7:37 pm
  6. anonymous1

    “Our girls need to be able to adequately discuss and debate politics (foreign and domestic policy)”

    you have to be kidding me. no.

    13 years ago at 7:54 pm
    1. Confederate Fratter

      Unlike you “anonymous1” somne of us like a smart, educated, well-informed woman.

      13 years ago at 8:22 pm
    3. Old South Gentleman

      Yeah but unless they are going to law school or become a lobbyist or some political figure I doubt they know much about foreign and domestic policy. They may know basic political ideals but probably nothing too intricate. But as long as they are educated and can hold a decent conversation and actually have their own viewpoints on issues then that is just fine

      13 years ago at 8:31 pm
    1. CarBro Shorts

      Alright, alright it was a good article I agree, but there’s no need to shed tears.

      13 years ago at 10:16 pm
  9. EEES1897

    gotta love the analogy of “dumber than an expired can of Spam rolling around in a dump truck” haha.

    13 years ago at 8:27 pm
  10. flyinhigh

    So how would you men react to a southern belle that is too nice for her own good, will graduate with a degree in engineering, and can: out bake anyone she knows, clean an entire fraternity house in a matter of hours, dress fully with makeup in under thirty min, can cook for a 1000 with a little bit of help, make you stop what you are doing with a smile, throw fabulous parties, and make you obsessed with a single bj…

    13 years ago at 8:38 pm
    6. TheFrasters

      Flyinhigh
      Please get in contact with Sterling Cooper and perform said activities so that he can write an article. We’d like to know if you are as good as you say you are.

      13 years ago at 3:24 pm
    7. SraDDDy

      If you think you can be fully dressed and made up in 30 minutes, you shouldn’t be leaving the house.

      13 years ago at 7:46 pm
  11. Frat E. Lee

    “I want a woman who’s willing to kick my ass if I’m fucking up”

    Seriously. If a woman takes my shit, she doesn’t have a shot at sticking around.

    13 years ago at 8:50 pm
    1. Scobey1855

      Why would you want a woman to kick your ass under any circumstances? A little off the mark here in my opinion. A man should be able to handle his business, no ass kicking necessary.

      13 years ago at 2:04 am
    2. snakes_and_condoms

      I don’t think any physical “ass kicking” was implied. I think all that Frat E. Lee was implying is that if any female finds herself putting up with the shit he pulls in college (personally the only people who can put up with my shit are pledges and indentured servants) isn’t worth bringing into post grad years.

      13 years ago at 3:07 am