Sterling Cooper’s Heroes: Andrew Jackson

Brothers,

This is the first installment in a series that I call “Sterling Cooper’s Heroes.” This series will be about men and women (honestly–probably just men), who typify a combination of fratness, gentlemanliness and general badassery. For the inaugural article, I’ve picked a man who has long been one of my favorite Presidents: Andrew Jackson.

Jackson was born on March 15, 1767 on the border between North and South Carolina. His parents were…blah blah blah, get to the awesome shit already. He joined the Revolutionary Army at 13 and worked as a courier. He and his brother were captured by the British, and at the age of 14, Jackson decided to let the world know exactly how big his balls were when he refused to shine a British officer’s boots and was slashed with a sword as a result. I wasn’t there but I would imagine the exchange went something like this:

“You, boy. Shine my shoes.”

“How about you shine the head of my cock first, you limey fuck?”

This was only the beginning of Jackson’s apparent lack of fear in the face of danger. He participated in 13 duels, the most famous of which was with Charles Dickinson. Jackson, with his titanium testicles, told Dickinson that instead of shooting simultaneously, he’d let him have the first shot. Yeah that’s right, Jackson stood there and let Dickinson shoot him in the fucking chest, which may be the best ever example of TFTC. So with a bullet next to his heart, Jackson stood his ground and shot and killed Dickinson. Oh and that bullet stayed in his body for the rest of his life. Good thing he was pre-airline, because going through TSA with a man-sized bullet in your chest would be a bitch.

Jackson’s nickname was Old Hickory. Ordinarily this wouldn’t be that cool of a nickname, but he earned it carrying around a wooden cane and beating the shit out of people. The best example of this was when an idiot named Richard Lawrence attempted to assassinate him. Lawrence jumped out of a crowd and pulled a pistol on Jackson, which misfired. He pulled a second pistol, which also misfired, leading me to believe that the big man upstairs was a pretty big fan of Jackson, too. After seeing this dude fuck up shooting him twice, Jackson didn’t hide under an entourage of Secret Service agents, he ran up and started wailing on Lawrence’s ass with his cane. Jackson had to be restrained by his aides, making it the first and only time in history that a President’s bodyguards have had to restrain him from killing an assassin instead of the other way around.


When the British threatened New Orleans in the War of 1812, Jackson went down and assumed control of the militia there. After the infamous Battle of New Orleans, the British had 2,037 casualties. The Americans? 71 casualties. Oh, did I forget to mention that the British came with 7,500 troops against Jackson’s 5,000?

In case you forgot, Andrew Jackson was also President of the United States for two terms. It wasn’t much of a presidency, really. He only took on the corrupt Bank of the United States, pushed for westward settlement (Manifest Destiny, motherfucker), and paid off the national debt. Wait, what was that last one? Yeah, he paid off the entire fucking national debt. In fact it’s the only time in US history that this has ever been done. Hey, Congress, are you listening?

You might be thinking right now that Andrew Jackson was a pretty awesome dude. And you’d be right in the same way that Stevie Ray Vaughan was a pretty good guitarist and John McClane was a pretty good cop. He was also a very reflective and sensitive guy. On his last day in office, Jackson admitted that he had some regrets about his presidency, two regrets in particular. They were that he “had been unable to shoot Henry Clay or hang John C. Calhoun.” So next time you’re bragging about kicking a GDI’s ass at some bar to your boys, just remember that Andrew Jackson is not fucking impressed.

  1. CaptainBrohab

    Honestly look forward to reading the columns more than the actual wall. Great article.

    13 years ago at 9:07 pm
    1. Fratstar Runner

      Same here. The wall has gotten pretty shitty lately but atleast the articles are still good.

      13 years ago at 9:32 pm
  2. sirfrattious

    Sterling i dont think i couldve said that better. He has always been on my heros list, #4 actually

    13 years ago at 9:09 pm
  3. Ellsworth

    John C. Calhoun is the true hero here, coming up with the Doctrine of Nullification. TFTC.

    Andrew Jackson did pay down the debt and do well in New Orleans, but he was more similar to Lincoln politically, the ultimate GDI.

    13 years ago at 9:11 pm
    1. Theodore B Kelly

      Learn your history, Lincoln was the first Republican president.. but that was before the parties “switched” Lincoln was labelled a republican, but in reality, he was the first democrat.

      13 years ago at 1:10 am
    2. Sperrys Frattin Hard

      I swear half the people on this site are retarded. If your going to comment on politics and history know what the fuck your talking about. Theodore B Kelly putting PTBAA in his/her place. TFM

      13 years ago at 2:09 am
  4. g w busch

    Two incorrect things about your article. Number one is that President Jackson was not the first person to eliminate the national debt; Alexander Hamilton was. Secondly, the Secret Service was not established as a protective presidential service until Andrew Johnson, as was established by Abraham Lincoln.

    13 years ago at 9:15 pm
    1. Brother of Gaw

      Both wrong, no president has eliminated the entire national debt, Jackson still left thousands to pay. Close enough doesn’t count.

      13 years ago at 10:58 pm
    2. Prefferedshacker

      He said person, not president. If I’m not mistaken, Hamilton didn’t eliminate it, he started it.

      13 years ago at 10:45 am
    1. CaptainBrohab

      People can say what they want about him being an environmentalist, but T. Roosevelt was a fucking badass.

      13 years ago at 9:25 pm
    2. redwhiteblue

      Environmental conservation is what has given us the ability to hunt and fish other fratty hobbies, which was what teddy did

      13 years ago at 11:02 pm
    3. texasfrat

      Roosevelt was a fuck of a guy, but as a President? Questionable. He increased Presidential power as much as anyone else and was the first “progressive.” But would I live his life? You better believe it.

      13 years ago at 11:09 pm
  5. The Legacy

    I’m starting to think of carying a cane around and beating GDI’s asses with it.

    13 years ago at 9:24 pm