Steve Harvey’s Memo, The Fraternity Version

ArrowZeppelin8 years ago

As you may have seen, a memo that talk show host Steve Harvey sent out to his staff was leaked publicly and the message conveyed in it was loud and clear: Leave me the hell alone. This came as a shock to some people, but this sort of dynamic is nothing new for anyone familiar with the relationship between fraternity actives and pledges. In fact, we have a letter that Ryan Dawson, a brother at the Alpha Tau Lambda house in charge of pledge education, left for his pledges, which echoed a similar sentiment:

Good morning, pledges. You are all sub-human scum who I hate and I wish I could be rid of you forever.

After last night’s “incident” in which our chapter received a permanent ban from ever holding an event with Theta again because I flew into a blind rage after one of you had the audacity to approach me while I was talking to a girl, I think now would be a good time to go over and remind you of some rules regarding your communication with me.

There will be no meetings or cute little get-togethers in my room. I don’t want to hold hands and sing Kumbaya with you every day. I want to be left alone to either sleep or bang. And don’t you dare stop by unannounced so you can say “hi” or ask me what’s up. I will have Snake, the house lunatic, acting as security outside my door to stop you from even attempting this. You want to know what’s up? Getting shanked with a hunting knife and left to bleed out for not following my rules, that’s what’s up.

In fact, don’t come within ten feet of my room ever, for any reason. Not even if I’m passed out in there while the house is on fire and we’re the only people in it. I have so much contempt for you cretins that I’d rather burn to death in my sleep than be forced to have additional interaction with you.

If we cross paths in the house, you better put your head down and keep fucking walking. Only speak to me when directly spoken to, and even then I’d be cautious of letting out a peep. Make any eye contact with me and I’ll shine LED lights in your eyes until you go blind. This goes double in a public setting. The last thing I need is the humiliation of being associated with you.

If this seems harsh, that’s because it is. I am sick and tired of constantly being ambushed by you people with stupid questions and trivial concerns. If you want to come talk to me, you must schedule an appointment. I’ll reject it, though, because just like when I deny you basic human rights like exposure to sunlight and water, I enjoy seeing that sad, dejected look on your faces when you can’t have something you want.

The fact of the matter is, I need more “me time” throughout the day, and by establishing hard boundaries between us, this will allow me to use that time to drink, sleep, and think of new ways to haze you. I hope you don’t take offense to this. Actually, I don’t really give a shit how you feel about this. I just want you to know your place and leave me alone.

Suck my balls,

Ryan Dawson, Head Hazer.