Stuff Frat People Like: ‘All You Can Drink’
13 years ago

You see these four short words outside your favorite bar on a hardly noticeable fold-out sign a few times week. The statement is hastily written in neon chalk, but it might as well be cast in solid gold. This sign is a clear indication that for a few short hours, this bar elevates itself to one of our favorite places on campus, right up there with our sacred football stadiums.

The “All You Can Drink” special challenges all able-bodied Fratstars to chug whiskey like a freshman with a fake ID until their thoughts are simplified into three all-encompassing categories: food, sex, and more whiskey.

Food may be the easiest choice, and if your unlimited binge happened to fall in the early afternoon it may be the smartest as well. Scarfing down whatever greasy mess McDonald’s is calling food nowadays may give you that extra boost to resist passing out and continue your drunken expeditions.

Sex would probably be your most favorable move from this point, and you are a Fraternal man so it’s bound to be easy. If you planned accordingly, you’ve been texting a slampiece (or three) ever since whiskey ginger number six. Or, even better, you’re doing your part to take advantage of the intoxicated talent of the bar itself. While your not-so-subtle game has gotten progressively harder to understand (“at teh bar, aycd, lets hfdangout latere”), you suffer no drawbacks and she wants it just the same. Just don’t let the booze get the best of you and wake up next to a proverbial “cave troll.” Anyone who says “It happens to everyone,” is a damn liar and needs to get some standards.

Finally, there is the choice of champions: more whiskey. You’ve been training since pledging for nights such as this, and, assuming you have a pair, you’ll have no issue manning up for a few more blurred hours of debauchery. Just because the special may be over does not mean the “All You Can Drink” tag disappears as well. Let’s face it: when we accepted our bids we entered into a 4+ year long “All You Can Drink” special anyway. Food and sex can always come later, but priority number one on a night like this is unadulterated liver abuse. Start strong, finish strong. Frat on.

    1. Ciroc Chalk Jayhawk

      Seconded. We do have like four dollar nights a week, but it’s the principle, Goddamnit.

      13 years ago at 12:15 pm
    3. Andrew Fratson

      We have a bar that has a text message service that lets you know what the nightly specials are about three times a week. Sometimes it’s nice, like $4 pitchers of whiskey gingers, sometimes it sucks. Any who, I’d kill for All-You-Can-Drink any day any time.

      13 years ago at 6:22 pm
  6. NoStandardsWednesday

    Hey now, don’t hate on low standards when you have a full day of drinking starting in the afternoon, shit happens, especially when there are dick trolls at the bars

    13 years ago at 12:01 pm
    6. fez

      i’m from miami and chose to go as far the fuck away from there for college because there is no college scene there whatsoever. have fun at the bars with all the affliction wearing guidos and people who’ve lived in this country for about two months.

      13 years ago at 5:35 pm
  8. Minnebrota Brophers

    These columns are basically telling us what we already know, just in further detail.

    13 years ago at 12:13 pm
    3. Brofalo and Company

      If you didn’t already know this, you should just leave the site anyways.

      13 years ago at 2:49 pm
    4. Vandal

      some times you get drunk enough where its important for people to tell you what you already know.

      13 years ago at 9:45 am
    2. Fratastic IV

      If someone who writes that column could be sure to include directions to the clitoris, that would be greatly appreciated…

      13 years ago at 2:27 pm