Summer Olympic Events Ranked From Most Watchable To Least
9 years ago

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After the opening ceremony on August 5, we’ll be blessed with two and a half weeks of 24/7 media coverage of the games in Rio. The International Olympic Committee shuffled the regular slate of events and brought back a couple sports this year, which they seem to be doing more and more. In 2020 they’re considering adding baseball/softball, surfing, sport climbing, roller sports, and karate. Bowling, wakeboarding, squash, and wushu missed the cut. I don’t know what wushu is, either.

Let’s break down what we’ve got this year by how likely you are to watch it:

Definitely

1. Golf

Bringing golf back certainly takes the sting out of the fact that our athletes will probably die from dysentery.

2. Swimming

When it comes to the pool, Team USA is the most decorated program in the world. As if that wasn’t enough, Michael Phelps finished all of his coloring books and came out of retirement to become only the second American swimmer to compete in the Olympics five separate times.

3. Women’s Beach Volleyball

May-Walsh. You already know.

4. Table Tennis

I think being Chinese is an unfair advantage when it comes to table tennis, but hey, they put on a good show.

5. Handball

It’s like some fucked up version of four-square, I think. Love it.

6. Track and Field

I’ll be honest, the only reason I watch the track and field events is so I don’t miss someone getting hit with a javelin.

7. Gymnastics

Huge plus if you’re a guy out there with a fetish for girls slightly under 5 feet tall.

8. Shooting
9. Water Polo

Just in case someone drowns.

10. Badminton
11. Basketball
12. Diving
13. Rowing

I Mean, I Guess

14. Weightlifting

In London, Kazakhstan earned four out of their five gold medals in weightlifting. Putting all your eggs in one basket is aggressive, and I respect that.

15. Archery
16. Canoeing
17. Cycling
18. Fencing

I maintain that it would be more exciting if they fought with actual swords.

Probably Not

19. Tennis

I have the tennis channel. I’m white.

20. Synchronized swimming

Hard pass.

21. Judo / Taekwondo

You could really just watch a Steven Seagal movie instead.

22. Modern pentathlon
23. Boxing
24. Sailing
25. Triathlon

Absolutely Not

26. Wrestling

Brings back too many memories of sleeping over at my Boy Scout troop leader’s cabin.

27. Equestrian

Horses are too large of an animal to be trusted.

28. Soccer

No.

29. Field Hockey

In the words of Jay Cutler, “DDDDDOOOOOONNNNTTTTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRREEEEEEEEEEE.”

Image via Shutterstock

  2. JohnnieWalker_Blue

    Not to be Johnny Raincloud over here but Olympic golf is going to be shit. Guarantee the course(s) they build are dog shit.

    9 years ago at 10:42 am
  3. thaisticktony

    Rugby should be in the top 5. The US isn’t that bad anymore and who doesn’t like seeing people get jacked up.

    9 years ago at 10:43 am
    1. DubyasLeftNut

      They beat the All Blacks recently in 7s, granted the ABs seem to be much better in 15s and some of the tier 2 nations are great at 7s. Who gives a shit, still the reigning olympics 15s champs.

      9 years ago at 1:16 pm
      1. thaisticktony

        Speaking of you people should go check out that Olympic team that won Rugby 15s the last time it was in the Olympics. If you wanna talk about America throwing something together and then going to take gold in a sport we didn’t care about, it’s pretty amazing stuff.

        9 years ago at 1:45 pm
  6. billybudd

    For fuck’s sake have some pride in your work and stop half-assing these fucking articles. How hard is it to write 3 shitty lines of commentary for 29 topics.

    9 years ago at 11:19 am
  8. JamesLahey

    I hope you get cancer for writing this article. The throws in wrestling and Judo are pretty awesome.

    9 years ago at 11:21 am
  9. Theta High

    The dutch and argentine female field hockey teams are full of potential, watching hot girls fight each other it’s definitely a must watch

    9 years ago at 11:25 am