Tennessee Pikes Now Officially Suspended for Putting Stuff Up Their Butts
12 years ago

This is turning into a banner week for the University of Tennessee Pike house. What started out with a few casual alcohol enemas between bros quickly turned into a medical emergency and eventually a full on scandal with the terms sexual, hazing, drinking, and assault being intermittently rotated as adjectives because no one is quite yet sure exactly how to define this mess. Unless a proctologist was administering the booze enemas my vote is for sexual.

However until everyone else is sure of exactly what to make of this whole situation the Tennessee Pikes have been suspended.

UT suspended the Phi(sic) Kappa Alpha chapter Monday for 30 days or until a decision is made about the chapter’s future. The fraternity cannot operate during that time.

Ed. Note: The “Phi” is WBIR’s typo, not mine. They’re idiots.

When asked for his opinion on the incident one official from Pike’s international headquarters had the following to say:

I assume that when this report initially came across the Pike international office’s headquarters their president’s first response was “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I thought you just said that a couple of our brothers shoved rubber tubing up their asses and poured alcohol into their rectums, which caused one to nearly die at the hospital alone, because his brothers had abandoned him there. But that can’t be right because that’s the stupidest, gayest thing I’ve ever heard of. So please, reread that.”

Here’s the TV report from WBIR:

The best part of the entire thing is the two guys from other fraternities trying SO hard not to just bust out laughing. Either one of them laughing uncontrollably for thirty seconds would have gotten the exact same point across as whatever they actually said anyway.

[h/t to reader @SigmaNuDave]

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UPDATE

It has been reported that the butt chugging Pikes were pouring boxed wine into their asses. Slap the bag, slap the ass? How could this get any more fucked up/hilarious?

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