TFM Submission Of The Day: The Lost Canadian

Dillon Cheverere12 years ago

Every once in a while a TFM wall submission comes down the pipe that calls for a diligent response. We got one today. Does it belong on Fail Friday? Of course it does, but a one-sentence quip doesn’t adequately capture the awesomeness of this particular submission. You’ve got to get a load of this poor bastard — so naive, so lost, so illiterate, so Canadian.

Here is the Wall Post submission:

University of Alberta

Hello, I was just immigrated to United Estates and are wondering how this frats work. If I mail resume to universities will I be grant admission into a fraternity? Can somebody answer me question by sending me email at canada******@hotmail.com? Much thanks.

– Sergei Fraterov

Well, Sergei, I’ll do my best to answer your query, because I recognize a lost soul when I come across one.

Before we go on, I’d like to preemptively address the “this is a fake submission, dumbass,” naysaying crowd. I believe it to be authentic and sincere. Why? Well, break it down. He’s asking for real advice. He wants real answers. He left his real email address. He’s simply a clueless Canuck, probably of the French variety seeing as how he hasn’t had enough American beaten into him yet.

Now, if it is a fake, it wouldn’t be the first time someone pulled one over on ol’ Rodge. Won’t be the last either. I’ll put my rep on the line this time, though.

Back to Sergei…

The first thing you need to do — literally the very first thing that should be on your agenda — is learn that this country is called the United States of America. Now, there may be some kind of emboldened home owner’s association in existence that goes by the name “United Estates,” but we’re not talking about them, are we, Serg? We’re talking about the US of A, the country you’re claiming to have immigrated to — the country of real sports, apple pie, and morally-manipulatable women.

Tighten that language up there, bub. Without it, any hopes of being “granted admission” into a fraternity would burn up faster than your fair Canadian skin would under the southern U.S. summer sun, unless of course your standards are non-existent.

Secondly, I will address your question: “…wondering how this frats work. If I mail resume to universities will I be grant admission into a fraternity?”

No, man. American university administrators, as far as I know, aren’t into the résumé reading business, at least not in the traditional résumé sense, and they definitely don’t get to play Moneyball with fraternity and sorority rosters. There is an application process to gain admission to the university, but the rest is up to you, and by “the rest is up to you,” I mean don’t be a dickbag.

Godspeed, young Sergei. Your pledge trainer is going to have a field day with you.