The 3-S System For Mitigating Hangovers

Buzz Frattington12 years ago

Oh dear God, the agony. The horror fermenting in the stomach. The demolitions in the brain. The aches and pains that follow hours of standing debauchery and terrible dancing. We’ve all been there, strewn amongst the rest of last night’s trash, chained to the nearest toilet or trash can. The only consolation is that the worse it feels in the morning, the better it was last night.

Before you get up or even realize where you are, you check the time. There are a few ways to quickly rid yourself of a hangover, but sometimes you just can’t crack a morning beer and take it easy. Whether you have work, an interview, or class, you still need to kill that hangover. I have developed a very simple, yet very effective method for making that hangover tolerable to you, and invisible to others. Some of these things may seem obvious, but sometimes it’s the obvious remedies that we neglect.

The Sandwich

First thing you need to do is replenish vital nutrients into your system that the alcohol had a heavy hand in depleting. It does a double-duty of settling a tossy stomach. Pick a sandwich neutral in flavor. Turkey works better than salami. Mayo works better than spicy mustard. Also, drink water. A lot of it. Gatorade also works well. You absolutely want to avoid sodas. They do more harm than good. If you have to vomit, do so before eating.

The Shit

Secondly, you need to take all the waste and leftover alcohol in your system, and eject it. Like a Saturn-5 Rocket, you need to blast until you’ve discharged the last molecule of leftovers. This will help clear out alcohol and last night’s 5 Layer Burrito, as well as give you a lighter look on life. The sandwich and the Gatorade for breakfast will help push the last partygoers out.

The Shower

The final step is crucial to that brand-new-day feeling. It rinses the rest of the liquor off your skin, out of your hair, and away from those troublesome little nooks. It also will get rid of that nasty smell that lingers in your nose. Make sure to wash yourself well. Sometimes twice. Fresh as a summer breeze, you are ready to take on the day, without repulsing everyone around you.

In as little as 30 minutes you can turn from a disheveled boozehound to a clean, productive socialite, and none will be the wiser. You may also use this opportunity to mock your friends who aren’t quite as skilled at being hungover. Of course, there is a very high chance you’re still drunk, and there’s still an epic battle raging deep in your liver. Nothing but time can fix that.