The 36 Most Annoying Things You’ll Hear As Chapter President

WJ Cope9 years ago

When describing what it’s like to be a chapter president, I could go into the actual details. I could talk about the day-to-day operations, the endless email checking and answering, the paperwork that needs to be compiled and submitted, the meetings and phone calls with IFC, Nationals, the Alumni Association, etc., or the constant micromanagement, delegation and babysitting that come with the job. Instead, I’ll go with a nonsensical analogy: Imagine that, for whatever reason, you’re at a NASCAR race. A guy comes up to you in the crowd and tells you that you’ve been selected to participate in this race, despite your complete lack of experience. Also, you’ll be competing in a rusted Geo Metro with bald tires, and you’ll be wearing a blindfold.

Whenever you pull in for a pit stop, the crew actively tries to damage your car. And by God, the crowd still expects you to take 1st. Terrible analogy aside, what follows is a list of some of the most annoying things you’ll hear as a chapter president.

From Your Chapter

1. “What time is the meeting this week?”
2. “Can you tell Goldman to lower my dues for this month? I left my tab open at Johnny’s on Friday.”
3. “What happens if you die while in office?”
4. “Can we blacklist all of (name of sorority) from our parties?”
5. “Can you fill out our semester membership report? I have to go to work, and the deadline is…yesterday at midnight.”
6. “We took the pledges on a bonding retreat in the woods. Let’s just say I had no idea there was that much poison ivy out there. They’re in bad shape.”
7. “I fucked up the billing statements for this cycle. We owe like… north of three grand.”
8. “Caught one of the pledges typing up an email to nationals, something along the lines of ‘Please save us’. Thought I’d let you know.”
9. “Being president seems pretty easy.”
10. “Theta is really pissed that we stole ten of their composites. They’re threatening legal action.”
11. “The plumber just came by. Our pipes are fucked, it’s going to cost a fortune.”
12. “Can meeting be informal today?”

From IFC

1. “It’s my understanding that you guys had a “Viagra and Sweatpants” themed party on Thursday, and that six of your pledges had to be admitted to the ER. Care to tell me about that incident?”
2. “I’ve been seeing a lot of red cups on your lawn lately. What are you guys doing on the weekends?”
3. “Your chapter has had three noise complaints in the past week. Consider this a warning.”
4. “You guys will need to pull a chapter GPA of 3.3 to keep your alcohol exemption.”
5. “I’ve received some very aggressive phone calls from your alumni. They’re not doing you guys any favors.”
6. “I’m going to have to report this to your nationals.”
7. “I called your vice president about some overdue paperwork and he told me to ‘fuck off’.”
8. “Your drunken speech at the Greek Choice Awards triggered someone in the school’s administration. Your chapter now has to meet with the Inclusion Society for a 3-hour seminar.”
9. “I need at least half of your chapter to attend the Victim Blaming symposium this next Wednesday.”
10. “We’ve decided to ban you guys from Songfest this year, and you know exactly why.”

From Nationals

1. “We got a concerning report from your IFC. Care to give us an idea of what’s going on?”
2. “Just a heads-up, registration for Conference this year is going to cost double.”
3. “Some of your members allegedly played the song ‘Better with the Lights Off’ from your porch when a few sorority women walked by.”
4. “It’s my understanding that you guys recently threw a ‘Fuck Nationals’ party.”
5. “Your chapter has been graded as ‘Fair’ in our annual assessment. You’d best bump that up by next year.”
6. “We got a really alarming email from one of your pledges. Please follow up with me so we can discuss this.”
7. “I’ve got half a mind to pull your guys’ charter right now.”

From Sorority Girls

1. “We’re not partnering with you guys after what happened last night.”
2. “We’ve seen the ‘Walk of Shame Compilation’ that you guys put together. You fucking monsters.”
3. “Can you please remove the word ‘hoes’ from your party theme? Several of our members are offended.”
4. “You need to drop all your pledges. One of them didn’t remember my name, and another one gave me a creepy look.”
5. “You know that composite we stole from you guys? It’s broken…”
6. “One of your members was banging on our door with a golf club at 3 O’clock this morning. We are not pleased with this.”
7. “We’re going to report you if you don’t remove the ‘No Fat Chicks’ sign in your upstairs hallway.”