The 5 Types of Breasts
13 years ago

Tits. Hooters. Honkers. Boobies. Funbags. Bajongas. Whatever you call them, the consensus for males of the world is this: breasts are fucking awesome. But just like beer, potato chips, whiskey, and all the other things in the world we love, breasts can come in many different varieties. After hours of painstaking research (believe me, it was tough), I have compiled the tits of the world into five distinct categories.

Pillow Tits

Not a single man in the history of this Earth has complained about a heavenly pair of Pillow Tits. Named for their incomparable softness (built for comfort, not for speed), Pillow Tits are only two things: natural and large. Your ideal pair of Pillow Tits will sit proudly on the chest of a slam like sacks full of happiness and sunshine.

If Pillow Tits could talk, they would exclusively scream the phrase “Please, put your penis between us.” And who are we to deny such a claim? Chivalry is not dead gentlemen, and I’ll be damned if we don’t make sure every proverbial bun has a bratwurst of its very own.

For all the types of breasts, the Tit/Waist ratio is of utmost importance. This is especially so in the case of Pillow Tits. In some cases, Pillow Tits serve only as a distraction from a beer belly or thunder thighs, traits that any self-respecting, not blackout drunk at last call man should avoid. All I’m saying is, be careful. Nothing is worse than lifting up that shirt to find a cottage-cheese love handle extravaganza.

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    1. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Indeed rather fine. I once had a slam with pillows. She was rather skinny, short and loved to swallow. But I was young then, and found a way to complain. Maybe it’s because I’m a connoisseur of sorts, but I value a good areola/overall size ratio. Big boobs that are paired with small nips and areaola are the pinnacle.

      13 years ago at 3:47 pm
    2. MajorRucco

      ^^way to have the attention span of a rodent. I imagine your train of thought goes something like this: (Big Boobs)–>(Horny)–>(Confederate Jingle)–>(Lee’s Face)–>(Love Splooge)

      13 years ago at 10:12 pm
  5. Fratistocrat

    I came here for the picture, expecting more, and was thoroughly disappointed. You just can’t get anything right. Good words though.

    13 years ago at 2:46 pm
    4. holdin pee in for u

      Dorn, you mind putting some of those perky handfuls up for us admire?

      13 years ago at 2:57 pm
    7. Brobert F Kennedy

      This is the first column in a while that doesn’t leave me thinking how this place has gone down hill.

      13 years ago at 6:54 pm
    1. StuffFratPeopleLike

      Working on that, don’t worry you’ll have plenty for the spank bank on this column in a few minutes.

      13 years ago at 2:56 pm
      1. Uncle Sam hates GDIs

        Don’t fucking talk. Just do what we tell you to do and shut your list loving mouth.

        11 years ago at 3:41 pm
    5. anon7472974648

      This article would be better if it had a Kate Upton gif. Dorn or Intern, ball’s in your court.

      13 years ago at 5:42 pm
  10. Unimpressed

    Damn good article, lot of truth there. Frat on. However, I will say that the itty-bitty-titty package seems to come with better accessories much more often than the pillow pack. Small tits & great body > massive ones with love handles included.

    13 years ago at 2:53 pm
    1. fratmydickbitch

      it’s the man’s number one goal to find that “perfect proportion” of pillow tit’s, and size 0 in jeans.

      13 years ago at 3:09 pm
    2. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Smaller nips and areolæ are important as well, I’d prefer to not be reminded of National Geographic while railing. But I am going to assume that Unimpressed was referring to that when he said better accessories.

      13 years ago at 4:15 pm
    3. Frat Blue Ribbon

      I’ll agree with you, unimpressed, if and only if the plank-package has the fattest and most perfect ass of all time to compensate for her lack of bust.

      13 years ago at 10:01 pm