The 5 Types of Breasts
13 years ago

Fake Tits

Fake Tits on college girls have always intrigued me for one reason: I just want to know what the conversation with Daddy was like when she asked him to pay for it.

First of all, if I’m ever unlucky enough to bring a daughter into this world I pray to God this conversation never arises. Instead of “Daddy, can I get fake boobs?” she might as well just say “Daddy, can I get dogged out ruthlessly through my entire college career?”

Regardless of these questionable parenting techniques, I sure as hell am glad to reap the benefits of these father’s misplaced trust in their girl’s sexual modesty.

The best part about Fake Tits? They are the most reliable and docile breed of blouse bunnies. No matter what rigorous physical activity or bra technology she subjects herself to, those fuckers are going to stay firmly planted in place like the eyes of a Tiger hunting its prey.

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    1. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Indeed rather fine. I once had a slam with pillows. She was rather skinny, short and loved to swallow. But I was young then, and found a way to complain. Maybe it’s because I’m a connoisseur of sorts, but I value a good areola/overall size ratio. Big boobs that are paired with small nips and areaola are the pinnacle.

      13 years ago at 3:47 pm
    2. MajorRucco

      ^^way to have the attention span of a rodent. I imagine your train of thought goes something like this: (Big Boobs)–>(Horny)–>(Confederate Jingle)–>(Lee’s Face)–>(Love Splooge)

      13 years ago at 10:12 pm
  5. Fratistocrat

    I came here for the picture, expecting more, and was thoroughly disappointed. You just can’t get anything right. Good words though.

    13 years ago at 2:46 pm
    4. holdin pee in for u

      Dorn, you mind putting some of those perky handfuls up for us admire?

      13 years ago at 2:57 pm
    7. Brobert F Kennedy

      This is the first column in a while that doesn’t leave me thinking how this place has gone down hill.

      13 years ago at 6:54 pm
    1. StuffFratPeopleLike

      Working on that, don’t worry you’ll have plenty for the spank bank on this column in a few minutes.

      13 years ago at 2:56 pm
      1. Uncle Sam hates GDIs

        Don’t fucking talk. Just do what we tell you to do and shut your list loving mouth.

        11 years ago at 3:41 pm
    5. anon7472974648

      This article would be better if it had a Kate Upton gif. Dorn or Intern, ball’s in your court.

      13 years ago at 5:42 pm
  10. Unimpressed

    Damn good article, lot of truth there. Frat on. However, I will say that the itty-bitty-titty package seems to come with better accessories much more often than the pillow pack. Small tits & great body > massive ones with love handles included.

    13 years ago at 2:53 pm
    1. fratmydickbitch

      it’s the man’s number one goal to find that “perfect proportion” of pillow tit’s, and size 0 in jeans.

      13 years ago at 3:09 pm
    2. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Smaller nips and areolæ are important as well, I’d prefer to not be reminded of National Geographic while railing. But I am going to assume that Unimpressed was referring to that when he said better accessories.

      13 years ago at 4:15 pm
    3. Frat Blue Ribbon

      I’ll agree with you, unimpressed, if and only if the plank-package has the fattest and most perfect ass of all time to compensate for her lack of bust.

      13 years ago at 10:01 pm