The 5 Types of Breasts
Tits. Hooters. Honkers. Boobies. Funbags. Bajongas. Whatever you call them, the consensus for males of the world is this: breasts are fucking awesome. But just like beer, potato chips, whiskey, and all the other things in the world we love, breasts can come in many different varieties. After hours of painstaking research (believe me, it was tough), I have compiled the tits of the world into five distinct categories.
Pillow Tits
Not a single man in the history of this Earth has complained about a heavenly pair of Pillow Tits. Named for their incomparable softness (built for comfort, not for speed), Pillow Tits are only two things: natural and large. Your ideal pair of Pillow Tits will sit proudly on the chest of a slam like sacks full of happiness and sunshine.
If Pillow Tits could talk, they would exclusively scream the phrase “Please, put your penis between us.” And who are we to deny such a claim? Chivalry is not dead gentlemen, and I’ll be damned if we don’t make sure every proverbial bun has a bratwurst of its very own.
For all the types of breasts, the Tit/Waist ratio is of utmost importance. This is especially so in the case of Pillow Tits. In some cases, Pillow Tits serve only as a distraction from a beer belly or thunder thighs, traits that any self-respecting, not blackout drunk at last call man should avoid. All I’m saying is, be careful. Nothing is worse than lifting up that shirt to find a cottage-cheese love handle extravaganza.
You forgot elf shoe tits
13 years ago at 3:09 pmI have never heard this expression before, but that is a hilariously prefect way to describe them.
13 years ago at 3:11 pm^,^^ Fucking these
13 years ago at 3:33 pmSpot on, supposing you mean those that make a slanting pyramid type shape that points upward at the nipular region due to a slightly lager areola ratio.
13 years ago at 4:18 pmYes, exactly^
13 years ago at 5:42 pmbanana tits
13 years ago at 5:59 pmpre pubescent cones
13 years ago at 7:46 pmAre those the same as torpedo tits?
13 years ago at 9:15 pmdamnit I laughed pretty hard at the first two comments here
13 years ago at 10:02 pmShould’ve had something about the “Mismatched Pair”. Always awkward to go motorboating and look up and wonder if one of them had a leak or something.
13 years ago at 3:19 pm^fucking truth
13 years ago at 4:05 pmshe’s got a smaller D that’s perky and a big C that’s saggy, she won first and third in a wet t-shirt contest.
13 years ago at 10:04 pmBiggie smalls
13 years ago at 2:25 pmI shot.
13 years ago at 3:19 pmCool story Bro
13 years ago at 12:37 pmTits was great!
13 years ago at 3:20 pmAfter careful examination, I have come to the conclusion that something was done here.
13 years ago at 3:33 pmReally? What was tit?
13 years ago at 10:02 pmThe breast column I’ve seen in some time
13 years ago at 9:29 am^I see what you did there
13 years ago at 10:17 pmI feel like there are only two kinds of tits: Those that I would put in my mouth and those I woudn’t.
13 years ago at 3:59 pmLace ’em, champ.
13 years ago at 5:23 pmFor what? I’m less likely to run laps for no reason, especially when they are presented by a reject monkey who gets pissed on by lions.
13 years ago at 5:43 pmThe Lions are gonna piss on the whole NFL next year.
13 years ago at 9:06 amI think they’ll have their work cut out for them. They’re in a tough division, and the Bears will be getting a healthy Forte and Cutler next year. Well that and the fact that the Packers backup QB torched you guys like a grease fire in a fireworks store.
13 years ago at 2:18 pmLions fans have been saying that for the past 3 years. Only worked for a third of the season this year, though
13 years ago at 9:02 pmThe Packers are going to shit on the Lions, just like always.
13 years ago at 7:19 am“I just prefer a pair of breasts that don’t remind me of a sad lonely clown.” I laughed pretty god damn hard at that one. Now I’m getting odd looks at work
13 years ago at 4:03 pmtube-sock titties: NS
13 years ago at 8:57 pmTwo fried eggs nailed to the wall. Not the best situation to be in
13 years ago at 1:42 pmthis is by far the best article ever written by tfm
13 years ago at 4:08 pmIt’s a great article, but your statement is very debatable ^
13 years ago at 5:28 pmMasterdebatable. Motordeboatable, per say.
13 years ago at 3:20 am^^This guy….
13 years ago at 12:40 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc
13 years ago at 4:08 pmPepperoni nipples mmmmmmmm
13 years ago at 4:10 pmCan we safely assume that the tits in the picture are the perfect medium? Those things look fun
13 years ago at 4:13 pm