The 5 Worst Shits, Ranked

Socrates Johnson7 years ago

A little while back, I donned my fancy journalist’s cap and ranked the five best shits. Unfortunately, sometimes a feel-good, fluff piece needs its gritty, “your-kids-are-addicted-to-huffing-freon-and-there’s-nothing-you-can-do-about-it”-type follow-up. Because not everything can be sunshines, rainbows, and primo poops. For every triumphant handicapped stall plopper, there’s a shameful porta potty splat fest.

So, though it brings me no joy to shed light on these toilet bowl abominations, it must be done in the name of true, unbiased journalism.

5. The Rushed Shit

When God invented shitting, he did so with the intention of creating a process that is best enjoyed by his creation at a leisurely pace. With that in mind, there are few things worse than dropping a deuce in one of those single-person gas station bathrooms and then having some impatient asshole bang away at the door every five seconds. It gets you all flustered and then you have to pinch off the shit and then you yell at your girlfriend because she asks you if you remembered to pick up Slims Jims and you’re like “maybe you should’ve eaten something before we left the goddamn house, Cheryl,” and then you have to poop again in like five minutes.

Ending a shit before it’s allowed to run its course turns us all into monsters, and that’s all there is to it.

4. The Post-Shower Shit

Have you ever been at a party where you get the feeling that, whether because of a particular person or just an overall vibe, you’re not supposed to be there? That’s what it feels like to take a post-shower shit.

Everything is just wrong about it. You’re all wet. The toilet seat is wet. Your butthole, which you just cleaned mere seconds ago, is now being besmirched by the remains of last night’s dinner. Toilet paper is stuck all over your moist ass. It’s just a logistical nightmare. Meanwhile, you’re angry at yourself and cursing your bowels for not having to go 15 minutes ago when you were unshowered.

Nothing can take you from feeling on top of the world to swimming in gutter water quite like a post-shower shit.

3. The Puke ‘n Shit

“Sometimes when I shit, I puke.” I remember those words like they were uttered only yesterday. My fraternity brother, we’ll call him Stan, was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the house bathroom, still suit-and-tied up from the night’s spring formal. The stench was unbearable, and a quick peak inside the toilet revealed a fucking massacre of vomit and feces. Oh, and at Stan’s feet was a piece of shit. A literal piece of shit. A perfectly round piece of actual shit, about the size of a golf ball.

In his drunken, rambling slur speech, Stan informed us that he was treating himself to a before-bedtime bowel movement, when all of the sudden, the 2 Four Lokos he had pounded earlier in the night issued him a swift call to action, and he was spewing his brains out. The sight and smell of his own shit naturally made him more nauseous, which led to more puking than initially intended. Sadly, a wasted Stan had not had the wherewithal to pinch off his shit whilst throwing up, hence the perfectly symmetrical poop ball beside his feet.

He tried to laugh the whole event off with the “sometimes when I shit, I puke” line, but we all knew that behind his facade of merriment and frivolity, he was a changed Stan.

If you’ve never had to see a friend go through the devastating puke ‘n shit or endure such a debacle yourself, I truly envy you.

2. The Shart

Philip Seymour Hofmann (RIP) portrays the horrors of the formidable shart better than my words ever could.

1. Diarrhea

Remember earlier when I mentioned that God invented shitting? Well, that’s only partially true. The Devil was also allowed to offer his own input, and after some arduous workshopping with his fellow demons, Satan churned out something so foul, so heinous, that he himself is still, to this day, disgusted by his own creation. I’m talking about diarrhea, folks.

Diarrhea is painful and unnatural, like getting a handjob while your jeans are still on. It annihilates your asshole and makes for a terrible clean-up situation. It makes you hate things that you once loved, like Mexican food and Keystone Light.

Honestly, that’s all I have to say about that because I’m getting PTSD just thinking about it. Fuck diarrhea.

Honorable mentions: The Sneeze ‘n Shit. The No-Toilet-Paper Shit. The Fakeout Shit. The Porta Potty Shit..

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